Month: May 2018

Why Didn’t We Start the Fire?

Fire is powerful—it is strong and energetic and ever changing. It is also completely terrifying and unpredictable. Basically, it is the perfect metaphor for life.

I spent yesterday afternoon and evening with a small group of friends enjoying life and each other’s company. We ate, we sat in an inflatable pool in the front yard, and we talked around a fire after the sun went down. Our conversation ranged from becoming ex-pats on an olive farm in Spain to giving up toxic friendships that held us back in the past. It wasn’t a huge, crazy party, but it was the perfect way to spend a Sunday.

And it set my soul on fire.

As I sat watching the flames crackle across the broken pieces of wood and old mail used to create the fire, I though about how much I want to do that in my daily life. Too often we are taught to put out our own fires. We aren’t supposed to want certain things or be unhappy when life is going at least moderately well.

When you have an experience that ignites you, though, it fills your veins with passion. It makes you feel like that’s exactly how life should be.

And why can’t it be that way? Why do we have to be so scared to try the things we really want to do? Why do people stay at jobs they hate and dread waking up each day of the week? Why do we hide our talents and dreams from others?

A lot of the conversation yesterday afternoon centered around a wedding. Two of my closest friends recently got engaged and their excitement quickly overtook the rest of us. For an entire week, the betrothed couple had no idea what they wanted for their wedding. Then within a day, we were able to plan a good portion of it. I think once they finally let themselves admit that they wanted nothing to do with a “traditional” wedding, they had the freedom to express their deepest desires.

Fire cannot be caged. It does not bow and bend to meet the wishes of others. It lives and breathes exactly as it wants to. It swallows up anything in its path and even when it’s put out, it simply changes form and evaporates into the atmosphere.

Fire is beauty. It is raw and dangerous and an absolute life force. It is also a role model for those who want to escape the confines of an average life.A girl holds a sparkler on the beach

Taking the Self Out of Sabotage

I actually got my butt out of bed at 5:30 this morning and took my dog to the river for a walk/run. We traveled four miles total, but most of it was walking. The few bouts of jogging (definitely not running) had me coughing and trying to catch my breath.

Just a few days ago, we went along the same pathway and jogged most of a 5K. Why was it almost impossible for me to repeat that performance today? Well, much like Oprah, I love bread. But bread does not love me.

A bag full of loves of bread

I discovered recently that wheat goes straight to my sinuses and causes unnecessary congestion. If I don’t eat it, I hardly ever even have a runny nose. If I eat it a few times in a week, I get a few sniffles, but I can usually bounce back just fine. If I pass the point of no return, however, I get headaches, major post-nasal drip, and lots of phlegm.

Long story long, I ate too much bread this week and basically couldn’t breathe when I tried to run today.

I’ve been thinking a lot about self-sabotaging lately and the reason behind it. I’m aware I’m not alone in doing things I know aren’t good for me. Sure, sometimes the motivation is simply that it is much easier to eat a piece of bread than to try to find some gluten-free alternative. But sometimes I think I practice destructive behavior because I feel like that’s what I deserve.

If I’m having a day where I feel sorry for myself, I crave unhealthy food. Since my self-esteem is already on the low side, it’s almost like I’m proving myself right by eating things I shouldn’t.

Eating something filled with delicious wheat or dairy (which I can’t really have either) is not the only way I self-sabotage. Sometimes I won’t work out even though I have time to or I decide to watch three more episodes of a show instead of take my dog for a walk.

The thing is, when I actually do these things, I feel so amazing. And I’m way less likely to have those feel-sorry-for-myself thoughts. I don’t even really know where the self-sabotage cycle starts, I just know that it is vicious when it does.

Looking down the center of a spiral staircase

I don’t think simple awareness is enough to stop the sabotage steam engine, but I do think it’s a start.

It is probably a good idea to avoid beating myself up any time I eat wheat, or skip a workout, or watch more Netflix, though, or I might jump into a sabotaging cycle that is even harder to escape.