PCOS Archives - Blogging by Beth

Setbacks

One Step Forward

I’ve been thinking a lot about setbacks. We all experience them, obviously, but I’m beginning to realize that they can be monumental for some and mere blips on the course for others.

When I really sit and reflect on myself, I think I’m a little bit of both of those people. I can stumble briefly over a setback and keep going on my path with a laugh. Sometimes, though, setbacks paralyze me from moving forward. It feels like there’s a concrete wall in front of me and the only way to move is to retreat backwards.

I saw a meme one time that said something to the effect of “you wouldn’t slash your other three tires just because one was flat, would you?” In terms like that, it seems silly to let a little bump derail you. It’s not always that easy to have that much self-awareness in the moment, however.

Railroad tracks leading into a giant storm cloud

And All the King’s Horses

After years and years of paying really careful attention to my PCOS and making some important strides, I recently suffered a major hormonal setback. I left the comfort of a remote job and took a different position that requires me to go to the office every day. I know this is reality for most people, but it was a big change for me, and it was very jarring to my body.

Because I have a lot less control over my time, I have not been able to make myself work out consistently since I started the job in November. I started drinking coffee every morning as a little ritual to ease the new feeling of being around people at 8AM. I also used my larger paycheck to get gel manicures for three months.

None of these things might seem like big deals to other people, but for someone who is already hormonally compromised, these seemingly insignificant details created some large cracks in the progress I made. Since November, I’ve basically had the shortest cycle imaginable. As in its so short, there’s basically no end to it.

I know what I need to do to steady myself and return to the hormonal homeostasis I had before, but this setback has affected me more than most. I already watch every drop of food that goes into my body. I actively avoid wheat, dairy, and sugar, which, in case you didn’t know, are ingredients that are in practically everything. I don’t drink very much. I don’t smoke. I try to minimize stress and get enough rest. I take a bajillion supplements.

And yet, a few small things like going into an office every day, drinking coffee in the morning, and treating myself to biweekly manicures resulted in me getting my period for over a month. It does not give me a lot of inspiration to keep working so hard.

There have been moments where I’ve honestly considered slashing the other three tires and just eating whatever I want each day.

A flower grows from cracks in the ground

What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger

As tempting as it is, I’m not actually going to drown myself in a sea of bread and cheese. I’ve done a loooooooot of research, and I’m making some strides back toward balancing my hormones. And this time I want to do it in a way that they’re strong enough to resist a few attacks from the stressors of daily life.

My friend is really good at reminding me about how far I’ve come. She suffers from food allergies, too, and we’ve helped each other make a lot of progress when it comes to avoiding foods that disagree with our bodies. She pointed out the other day that it’s easy for her to be forgiving of me when I have setbacks, but that she realizes that she’s just as hard on herself about hers.

So here’s my attempt at turning setbacks into insignificant moments to which I hardly give a second thought: I’m going to try to talk to myself like I would talk to one of my friends. As I sit here and type this blog, I’m at Starbucks drinking a cup of coffee. And I had another coffee in the middle of the week. But I also took the time to make a liver detoxing smoothie every morning before work (to help my body get rid of some of its excess estrogen), and I ate a crap ton of leafy greens and sunflower seeds to actually help my hormones do what they want to do.

So I’m not going to be mad at myself about the coffee. I’m just going to try to keep moving forward and making the best choices I can make in the moment.

I also plan to keep a metaphorical spare tire on hand that I can use the next time I have a flat.

The sun rises over the water and shines through the clouds

How Sweet It Isn’t

A few weeks ago I stood in front of the bathroom mirror and took a scissor to some annoying hairs at the nape of the neck. Just to be safe, I clipped another small section of hair. I gathered the locks into an envelope, sealed it, and drove it right over to a mailbox to ensure it sent that day.

You might think it’s weird that I was excited to mail off pieces of my hair, but I promise there was an important reason why I did it. The hair was on its way to a lab in New York where some very smart scientists would test it to find out exactly what I’m allergic to.

Even as I write that, I realize that most people *still* wouldn’t be excited about it, but for me, it was huge. So huge, in fact, that in the moment I mailed the envelope was on par with massive life events like moving to a different country and getting my first real job.

Before you think I’m crazy and have too little excitement in my life, I started to get hives right after I turned 30. They weren’t just the occasional itchy spot, either. I’m talking full-body hives, uncomfortable swelling of hands and lips, and the constant need to take Benadryl to try to keep myself from scratching my skin off. I soon realized that dairy seemed to make the hives worse. I got hives almost every single day for five months straight.

Now do you see why I was so excited for this allergy test?

Anyway, after I gave up dairy, I noticed my sinuses were more congested than they should have been. Some quick research showed that an allergy to wheat could cause this issue.

Sigh, really? I had already sacrificed dairy and now I had to give up wheat, too? I begrudgingly eliminated wheat from my diet and my sinuses cleared up almost instantly. For the past three years or so, I lived a mostly dairy and wheat-free life. I noticed that I felt a lot better without those foods, but I was still having skin issues. And my body was not cooperating even after vigorous workouts.

Because I never had these “allergies” medically confirmed, though, I almost felt like a fraud claiming them. I tried to make simple substitutions in restaurants without being too annoying. But I never went as far as to ask whether or not something was cooked in butter or if it had any gluten in the sauce.

So back to this allergy test. I was really afraid to get it. Part of me was afraid the results would come back that I was allergic to literally everything. The other part of me was (maybe more) afraid that it would come back and say I was allergic to nothing.

About a week and a half after I sent off the envelope, the results showed up in my inbox. My hands shook as I downloaded the PDF. I scanned through the introductory section until I finally got the food intolerances page: anise bay leaf, castor bean, cow’s milk, red currant, sheep’s whey milk, veal, and wheat.

I took a few deep breaths and read the list over again. Okay, that didn’t seem too bad. There wasn’t anything on that list that I was eating in excess and I had already somewhat figured out wheat and dairy. I read through the non-food intolerances and one in particular caught my eye: sugar beet seed.

After a quick Google search, I realized that sugar beet seed is used to make most table sugar.

Wait, what? I’m allergic to sugar?

In case you didn’t know, wheat and dairy are in basically everything. And sugar is in most of the things that don’t have the other two ingredients.

I think a lot of people would have read these results and been very upset, but I almost felt relieved. It felt good to know I figured out my wheat and dairy sensitivities on my own. And since I’d already been living mostly without them, it didn’t seem overwhelming to remove them totally from my diet. The sugar thing seemed somewhat difficult, but it almost made me excited.

Is that weird?

For years I wondered if there were certain kinds of food I should or shouldn’t be eating. Could I decrease my PCOS symptoms by just avoiding certain foods? Now I have a real, tangible answer. Yes, it’ll be hard, but at least I know what I need to do now.

In just the two weeks since I got my allergy results and cut these things from my diet, I have not gotten any headaches, my sinuses are totally clear, and some scars I’ve had for years are getting so light that you can hardly even see them.

It might not be convenient avoiding wheat, dairy, and sugar, but it makes me feel so much better. And I’m excited to see what else changes with my body when they fully leave my system.

And, at least I can still have pho.

The PCOS Chronicles

Last night I learned of another girl who has PCOS. She just found out she has it and, without knowing much about the disease, she could only ask her doctor questions based on the small tidbits she’s heard.

One of her first questions was, “will this make me gain weight?” This girl is very skinny, but she has a lot of problem with inflammation after she eats—so much so, in fact, that people have asked her if she’s pregnant.

“No. PCOS doesn’t make you gain weight. That’s just an excuse that fat girls use,” her doctor told her. Yes, her doctor. A medical professional. Then the doctor wrote a prescription for birth control so the girl would start getting her period again (which she hadn’t seen in about a year).

There are so many things that infuriate me about this interaction. First of all, the fact that doctors know SO little about PCOS. Second of all, how dare someone who is supposed to help people cure their health issues tell a patient that people use this disorder as an excuse to be fat?

I am also upset that the doctor merely prescribed birth control and expects that to solve all hormonal problems. Sure, birth control will make this girl get her period, but it’s not a solution. It will actually just cover up her issues without treating them.

I’m definitely more frustrated about this interaction than this girl was because she doesn’t know that she should be. Why shouldn’t she listen to her doctor? Why shouldn’t she do some research on the effects of birth control on her hormones and on her PCOS? As of right now, she has no reason not to believe the doctor.

I spent so. Many. Years. blindly listening to doctors and trusting their diagnoses and treatments. When none of these methods worked for my issues, it made me feel like I was the problem.

They made me feel like I was the problem.

I went to a gynecologist one time, a female, by the way, and she gave me suggestions on losing weight based on what her FIFTY-YEAR-OLD HUSBAND was doing. When I told her how I ate and how much I worked out, I could tell she didn’t believe me. She took one look at my body and, much like the doctor this girl saw, assumed I was using my diagnosis as an “excuse.”

It makes me so incredibly sad how many women go to doctors and leave feeling more dejected and hopeless than they felt when they got there. When they spend hours sweating at the gym and trying to eat as little as possible to work past the roadblocks their body is giving them.

I’ve gone to doctors who honestly recommended eating only 500 calories in a day to lose weight. Others basically shrugged and told me I was doing whatever I could and they didn’t know why it wasn’t working.

PCOS is a condition that causes inflammation. It makes it difficult (but not impossible) for your body to regulate insulin. It makes it harder to lose weight and very easy to gain it (contrary to what this doctor said). It presents differently in everyone.

The chemicals found in our daily lives trick our bodies into thinking we have more estrogen in our systems and the rest of our hormones try to compensate for that. Most of us are in constant states of adrenal fatigue. Even really thin people who have “normal” blood sugar levels are sending their blood sugar soaring and crashing on a daily basis. Our bodies are just doing what they can to keep up with our modern lifestyle.

But doing something as simple as eating right for your hormones can help you get your body functioning better. I promise. Don’t completely overlook the things your doctor says, but try to do your own research to make sure you are finding the right solution for yourself and for your health.

Thinking Healthy on Eating Healthy

Yesterday I had a cold and it was totally my fault.

I admit—I had a week of eating pretty badly. I ate pizza. I ate doughnuts. I ate breaded chicken. And I put (gasp) real milk in my tea. Normally I am a total advocate of having balance in your life. Unfortunately, I am sensitive to gluten and dairy and my immune system did not agree with this sentiment.

Gluten messes with my sinuses. If I have one piece of pizza in a week, my nose gets stuffy, but it usually clears up the next day. Dairy makes my skin feel tight and if I have too much of it, I get hives. When I eat it as frequently as I did last week, it also increases the congestion in my sinuses.

After one week of being lax about what I ate, I got a cold. Not only that, but I also felt like I had fluid in my left ear. Before I realized I was sensitive to gluten, I used to feel like that all the time. Now I can’t even handle feeling like that for a day.

Luckily, though, my immune system was able to rally quickly and my cold only lasted for a night. I had not gotten sick for months before this brief cold. The last time I still ate gluten regularly and I was sick for two weeks. So I will be grateful for this hit-it-and-quit-it-cold.

The idea of eating healthy can really mess with your mind. If you go into it thinking that you’re depriving yourself or the world will end if you eat something “bad,” you will eventually fall off the wagon. I really believe that.

If you have a more positive attitude about it, though, and think of healthier foods as rewards for your body, eating better food becomes a part of your lifestyle. I’m definitely not saying to purge your cabinets of unhealthy foods (unless that’s something you need to do for yourself), or to avoid going to restaurants, or to run away screaming if someone brings a box of pastries to work. I am still a big advocate for balance, but that means enjoying the occasional treat in moderation.

I’m not even mad at myself for eating so poorly last week. It is really hard to be so careful about what I eat all the time and sometimes I just need a mental break from it. I am kind of disappointed that I chose to eat so many things that disagree with my body, though. I can still indulge every now and then without eating bread. There are pizza places that have gluten-free crusts, for example. And there are plenty of “bad” foods that don’t have wheat.

This week really taught me that I don’t want to feel crappy anymore. And all I have to do to avoid feeling crappy is to stop eating certain foods. If I stop thinking of these no-no foods as “rewards” for watching what I eat the rest of the time, they will lose some of their appeal.

At least I hope they will!

That does not mean that I’m never going to eat another piece of real pizza again, though. I just have to do it when I haven’t also had a sandwich on regular bread, doughnuts, and breaded chicken nuggets.

Changes

I’ve been thinking a lot about changes lately. I don’t know if you’ve heard, but there’s a solar eclipse today (just kidding—I’m sure it’s been taking over your Facebook newsfeed for the last few weeks).

Anyway, a lot of people talk about changes in relation to the eclipse and I was thinking about how the biggest changes in our lives start with the smallest steps. We aren’t always aware of the impact of these simple decisions, but they often send waves through our entire lives.

I know that a lot of people are scared of too much change and prefer things to stay the same. But as living, breathing beings, our worlds are constantly changing and trying to stay stagnant might be doing more harm than good.

Whether you are trying to make a huge life shift or you want to start making small changes to improve the way you feel each day, it is important to think about the positive that change can bring. Change is one of life’s constants and it can be amazing. Just be sure to remember:

The Little Things Count

One of the scariest elements of change is the idea that your whole life has to shift instantaneously. It actually doesn’t, though. If you want to eat healthier, for example, try to take baby steps toward your bigger goal.

I used to drink a lot of soda and I decided I didn’t want to do that anymore so I cut back to one a day. After that, I eventually stopped craving them at all and I’ve hardly had soda for the last fifteen years. If I tried to quit by going from 3-4 sodas a day to nothing, it probably would have taken me a lot longer to go through with it. Taking it slowly allowed me to make the change without actively realizing I was giving up soda. By the end, I accomplished my goal without feeling deprived.

Be Easy on Yourself

On the opposite side of the spectrum, when someone decides they want to make a change, they often expect everything to be different right away. Unfortunately, it doesn’t usually work that way.

I know I have been guilty of being hard on myself when I don’t wake up and see a totally different daily reality. In fact, my friends often have to remind me that I am working toward change.

I’ve knowingly dealt with my PCOS since 2009 and sometimes I still feel like I have such a huge mountain to climb when it comes to my hormones. But then I realize that I’m starting to see really positive changes and those changes are a direct result of all the small things I’ve been doing for the last eight years.

Once you plant the seeds, you might not see how they are working, but it is important to have faith that they are. And one day you’ll wake up and notice that you are living a better reality, you just weren’t instantly aware of it because it was a gradual shift.

It’s Okay to Want Change

Sometimes I feel like I’m ungrateful when I want new things for my life. But then I remind myself that just because I want new experiences, feelings, and situations, it does not mean that I don’t like the ones I’m currently living.

I know not everyone is like this, but I’m a person who really thrives on change (which might be why I’ve lived in six different cities in two countries and three states in the past ten years). If things don’t change frequently, I have a tendency to feel like I’m stuck and nothing is moving forward.

I’ve started to realize, though, that things are always changing. And when you take the time to check in with yourself and decide what you actually want out of your life, you are much more likely to get it.

Just remember to breathe, go easy on yourself, and appreciate the current moment before it morphs into a new one.

Go with Your Gut

I did something pretty amazing. I think I cured my dairy sensitivity.

For the past few years, dairy has caused me swelling, hives, and a lot of discomfort. Because of that, I have been avoiding dairy products like kids avoid vegetables. And let me tell you, that has not been an easy feat.

Quinoa, sweet potatoes, and red onion is a delicious dairy-free meal.

Staying away from dairy is much more than asking for a sandwich without cheese or opting for soy milk instead of regular milk when ordering a latte. It means being diligent about checking labels on all food. Dairy has a tendency to sneak in when you least expect it. You want to enjoy some whole grain bread with your lunch? Too bad, there’s dairy in it. You want to have some candy? Well, your options are pretty limited to things like licorice or jelly beans because most things with chocolate have dairy in them.

It definitely was not easy to avoid dairy, but I found a system that seemed to be pretty effective for me. Every once in a while I would give in to temptation and allow myself to have a piece of pizza or some ranch dressing. Whenever I gave in to dairy, my eye or lips swelled up or I got hives.

Eggs have become a main staple of my diet since I’ve given up dairy.

Lately I’ve been studying nutrition and the way the body works for my own benefit. I find it really interesting to see how the different systems inside work together. During my research, I started to learn a lot about the small intestine, which many people refer to as the gut. What many people do not know about the gut, though, is that it contains a large portion of the immune system. This means if your gut is not healthy, the rest of your body is likely to be unhealthy as well.

Everyone has bacteria in the small intestine. There are plenty of good bacteria that not only improve your gut health, but they also improve your overall health. Bad bacteria, on the other hand, lead to a lot of issues.

Because the modern American diet consists largely of carbohydrates, sugar, and dairy, people are much more likely to have intestinal health issues. These concerns combined with the stress of daily life affect you much more than you might realize.

In fact, there are a lot of people who have something called leaky gut syndrome without even realizing it. Basically, this means that small holes have developed along the intestinal lining. These holes make it hard for your body to absorb nutrients. It also makes it easy for large pieces of gluten, dairy, and other potentially problematic substances to get into your gut and into your bloodstream.

Researchers are starting to link leaky gut with a lot of illnesses and disorders. One of the biggest signs that you have leaky gut is the sudden development of food allergies…like a sensitivity to dairy.

I am not a doctor, but I researched leaky gut and how to improve intestinal health and started to make small changes to my daily routine. Luckily, avoiding dairy and gluten are two of the biggest ways to improve your gut health and I was already doing both. I also started taking a probiotic every day, using coconut milk regularly, and taking apple cider vinegar tablets.

Once again, I am not a medical professional, but this system has seemingly worked for me. I have had some dairy the last week (including cheese pizza on gluten-free crust) and I have not had ANY itching or swelling. Hooray!

I’m not planning to fully incorporate dairy back into my diet, especially not at home. But it makes my life soooo much easier being able to be a little more lenient with my menu options when I’m eating in the real world.

This cake was made with coconut flour, coconut milk, and coconut yogurt. I’m not going to lie, it was delicious.

The No-Judgment Doughnut

Today I ate a doughnut.

Once upon a time, I would have been ashamed of publicly announcing that. Because I didn’t want to advertise when I ate anything that could be seen as “junk food.”

I’m sure a lot of people have this aversion to being seen eating fat and sugar-filled foods in public. I’m sure a lot of other people don’t care, but for me, this has always been a secret shame.

Because of PCOS, I can do three workouts in a day and eat what most people would consider a “healthy” diet without losing weight. If I let my workout routine slack for even a few days, I am very at risk for gaining a few pounds.

I have always been athletic and exercise has been an important part of my life since I was 14. Even with a regiment of hardcore workouts, I never felt like my body reflected this active lifestyle, though, and I was always afraid that people would judge me if they saw me in workout clothes. I hated eating anything like fries or doughnuts in public.

As I become more familiar with PCOS and how to manage it, I do not feel as badly about some of these behaviors. I will fully wear running pants and a tank top to the grocery store and not care if people don’t see an “athletic person” when they look at me. Because I finally realized that I am athletic. I’m strong and flexible and constantly working toward improving my fitness levels. And that’s something I know.

I will admit, though, that I do still struggle in the grocery store. If I have a craving for some chips or something sweet, I notice that I have to buy something healthy along with it. That’s not a bad habit, but my reason for doing it might not be the healthiest. I still have the stigma that people might judge me if I buy unhealthy food so I have to show them that most of my diet is nutritious. The other day I actually avoided getting some candy because I was already buying a bag of chips and I was too embarrassed to add more junk food to the conveyor belt.

As I write this, I’m sitting in Starbucks looking at three extremely fit girls decked out in workout gear while eating and drinking sugary pastries and coffees. Since athleisure wear is such a popular trend, I’m sure they paid a lot of money to look like they just came from the gym. The old me would have been jealous of them that they do not have to field discerning glances as they take a bite of a powdery scone.

But you know what? I have no way of knowing how they feel inside. Maybe they do worry about every glance that comes their way. Maybe they too struggled with eating something because they were too afraid of other people commenting on their diet or their physiques. And me judging them for not having to be judged is no better than someone judging me.

So, basically, we all need to relax, stop judging others, and stop worrying about other people judging us. But most importantly, we need to stop judging ourselves.

And occasionally eat the damn doughnut if we feel like it.

The Cost of Convenience

Our society has officially crossed the border into the “I want it five minutes ago” mentality. Because of this, we are much more inclined to hunt down the easiest, most convenient products and services to enhance our lives. You know, as long as it doesn’t take too much effort to do that.

Sometimes when I’m in the grocery store, I look around in amazement at the sheer amount of products that are available at any time of the day. It is truly remarkable and I know that we are lucky to live in a society that has so much to offer. Not everyone has the same advantages.

The problem with this kind of culture, though, is that we are subjected to so many more chemicals and additives than we realize. Yeah it’s great to be able to grab some nail polish on clearance for $1 or to pay a low price for a huge package of processed cereal from a bulk store like Costco, but I believe this convenience is costing us in other ways.

According to the Campaign for Safe Cosmetics, there are many cosmetics that contain known carcinogens. Chemicals like formaldehyde, arsenic, benzene, and even coal tar are used to perfect these low-priced personal care products so companies can produce them faster and make them last longer.

Even everyday products like deodorant contain ingredients like aluminum and parabens, which are endocrine disruptors called xenoestrogens that act like estrogen. Not only does this mess up hormones, but it can also lead to serious health issues. Some scientists have even linked products like this to breast cancer.

Personal care products are not the only problem. Even our food contains dangerous additives that hugely affect the health of the nation. According to Jillian Michaels (AKA trainer, nutrition author, and my spirit animal), Americans eat a diet that consists of roughly 60 percent processed foods. 60 percent!

Ingredients like palm oil contain trans fat, which messes up your cholesterol and puts you at a much greater risk for issues like a stroke or heart attack. White processed foods like bread and cereal have been stripped of any nutritional value. This modified grain is much easier for your body to digest, but that really effs with your blood sugar and puts you at higher risk for things like diabetes. Soda often contains preservatives like sodium benzene, which prevents mold, but is also known to cause cancer. I could continue, but I think you’re probably getting the idea.

What I’m saying is these huge companies that are producing these products are, understandably, trying to make money. But the best way for them to make money is to create products that last way longer than they should and have low price tags to be more appealing to buyers. Unfortunately, that means that have to add so many chemicals that it is getting harder and harder to avoid them.

The average women will put 126 ingredients onto her face, neck, and hands in one day from just following a normal makeup and skincare routine. In one year, most women absorb about five pounds of chemicals from these products.

I’m not saying you should throw out the contents of your home and start using leaves for personal hygiene. Let’s be honest, no one wants to be known as the smelly one. But I do think it is extremely important to do some research and find out which products are doing more harm than good. Especially if you are a woman with hormonal issues or you want to have children.

One of the biggest changes I’ve made in my life to deal with my PCOS is to try to avoid some of the worst chemicals in my daily life. I started using honey to wash my face. To be honest, it feels nice, it’s cheaper than face wash, and I have gotten a lot of compliments on my skin lately. Instead of deodorant I can grab at Target, I started using a version that is free of aluminum and parabens that I found at the health food store. I switched over to safer nail polish brands and I’m more careful about the makeup I use. I only spray perfume onto my clothes instead of onto my skin.

I’m definitely not perfect with it, but I try to eat fewer processed foods than I used to eat and I hardly ever drink soda. These small changes have made a noticeable difference with my hormones and I don’t suffer from things like cystic acne and excessive hair shedding like I once did. Being more diligent about the things I’m putting into my body also makes me feel like I have more control over my health.

Don’t Think

I have a problem. It is a problem that affects every area of my life. I think too much.

I’ll admit, in certain circumstances, this can be a good thing. I usually think through my route before I drive somewhere so I know where I’m going. I plan out my outfit in my mind before I even open my closet so I don’t have to try on eight different outfits (most days). In many other cases, though, this is a giant pain in my ass.

Thinking too much often makes me worry needlessly about things that do not need any attention. And might be why I have so many grey hairs on top of my head.

Anyway, one of the areas of my life that has gotten already way too much brainpower is my body. I’ve talked about my struggles with working out and eating healthy and not seeing any real results a few times in this blog, so I won’t bore you with the gory details on that one. Let’s just say, it was something that crossed my mind at least once a day.

But something amazing has happened recently. I stopped giving a shit about this stuff and I actually started to LOSE WEIGHT. Okay, that maybe simplifies it a little too much, but it kind of sums it up.

I got tired of working out so hard and not seeing anything happen to my body. In between bouts of frustration, I had a nagging feeling that I was eating something else that my body was not tolerating (I already had to give up dairy because it started giving me hives). I tried to quiet my mind and really listen to myself to decide what food was causing me problems and the answer I heard was: bread.

Like Oprah, I have always loved bread. Subconsciously I might have had an inkling that my body didn’t like it, but I never wanted to make the leap and fully give it up. And now that I have to live a dairy-free life, I didn’t want to become one of those obnoxious people who is dairy free and gluten free and literally can’t eat anything. Ever.

But my body had different ideas and literally a week after I gave up wheat, my sinuses instantly cleared up. I never realized just how stuffed they were on a daily basis until I no longer had a problem with them. I also felt like I had fluid in my left ear for years. YEARS. It was so bad that I had to sleep on my left side basically every night.

Isn’t it crazy the kinds of things we just put up with to avoid changing our daily habits?

As I was finally giving up wheat, I took a step back from my daily exercise routine of two hardcore workouts. Like a big break. I didn’t work out at all for a few weeks. And for the first time in a long time, I lost a noticeable amount of weight.

I know there were a lot of factors that went into finally being able to lose weight, but this whole situation taught me that I do not have to think everything to death. I can only do the best that I can do and make as much effort as I can make. Once I do that, thinking myself into a tizzy is not going to help me. With anything….except being able to use the word tizzy in a real sentence.

So, I could go on eating dairy and bread and build up another tolerance that allows me to kind of forget about the hives and the sinus problems. But I would rather feel good than just deal with feeling uncomfortable all the time. And that is something I do not have to think about for days to know is true.

The Fight that Might Never Stop

PCOS is a jerk. I’m pretty sure I’ve said that before—but it’s no less true now than it was then.

lomo-girl-1439254-639x424

On top of all of the regular issues like messing with your weight and your cycle, studies have shown that PCOS also increases a woman’s risk for anxiety and depression. So this condition is basically bullying women who probably already have health issues and low self-esteem with the inability to remain calm and happy? Great…

Jerk.

Another thing I’ve mentioned before is that my PCOS is not nearly as severe as most and for that I am grateful. But that doesn’t mean that it isn’t hard. Exercising and eating healthy usually help me keep my mind pretty in check. I’ll have the occasional bad day, but I can talk myself out of it pretty quickly.

Unfortunately, I have to always work out and eat healthy to see any kind of results—whether they’re physical or mental. My life is a constant fight to keep my body and my mind in check.

And it. Is. Exhausting.

I was pretty motivated this last month and I went to the gym almost every day to do a workout with heavy weights. For most people, that is the extent of their workout for the day. Not for me, though. Once I got home and took a little time off, I popped in Insanity Max 30 or Jillian Michaels’ Body Revolution.

This is a lot of physical activity for one day and these workouts are hard. I tried to listen to my body and rest when I needed it. The exertion, the daily stress of life, and the fact that it is still 90 degrees outside and arctic inside most buildings, though, eventually wore me down and I caught a bad cold that lasted for about a week.

Again, in the life of most people, taking a week off of working out is no big deal. Sure, you might not be as strong as you were the first time you go back to the gym, but you’ll build your stamina up pretty quickly. That’s not the case for me, though, and it’s not for most women who have PCOS.

Even one week off can throw my entire body off whack. Which makes me feel bad about myself. Which makes it harder to get back into the gym. Which leaves room for anxious or depressed thoughts to fill my mind. Vicious cycle much?

self-this-is-my-life-1528199-639x425

I really try not to be so hard on myself. Friends and family yell at me about that all the time.

“You’re working so hard! It’s okay to take a day off.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t be working out so hard.”

“Give yourself a break. You’re only human.”

I get what they’re saying. I really do. And I understand that life is about balance, which I am trying to work on.

But the fact of the matter is that until I find out exactly what works for me and my PCOS, I do have to work this hard. I have to keep fighting. Because I have no other choice.

hope-1542924-639x958