Personal Development Archives - Page 2 of 3

Control

With a new catastrophe in the news almost daily and others on deck, it is easy to feel like we have little-to-no control over what’s happening around us.

And that thought terrifies me.

I have always been greedy about the levels of control in my life. Even when I was in college, I never felt the need to get blackout drunk and turn my mind off enough to make reckless decisions.

I hate sitting in the passenger seat of a car. I much prefer to drive or sit in the back so I can’t see what is happening in front of me. I like to be in control when I can because it makes me feel more balanced in a world that seems more off-kilter every morning.

The idea of control has been on my mind a lot lately, but I’ve been thinking about it differently than I usually do. And I’ve realized a few things about it:

Sometimes It’s Good to Loosen the Control Reigns

While it is important to feel in control of your life and your decisions, sometimes the best experiences occur when you back off and let loose. The first time I ever left the country, I went to Italy with a friend. We were nineteen and, although we weren’t stupid, we didn’t have much life experience. I kept a journal of the trip and the one line I really remember after all of these years is “the best parts of our trip happened by accident.”

In one of those instances, we met a guy from Argentina and decided to take the train from Florence to Cortona with him. Lucas spoke more Italian than my friend and I, and we completely trusted him to find us a taxi back to the train station. We didn’t know it until we were almost down the windy roads of the small village, but Lucas actually paid some regular guy to take us down the hill (this was way, way before the days of Uber and Lyft). I momentarily freaked out when I discovered this, but we ended up being fine.

When you travel, you have to give up control otherwise you will be disappointed. Going with the flow is the only way to ensure that you have a fun time. This is a good metaphor for life: sometimes it is just not possible to be in control and you have to be okay with it.

You Can’t Control Others, But You Can Control How You React to Them

I think a lot of people struggle with the fact that they can’t control what other people do, myself included. We will never be able to control what other people do, but we can control how we react to it. If someone cuts you off in traffic, it’s okay to be annoyed, but if you let it ruin your whole day, you are only hurting yourself.

Don’t take the actions of others so seriously that it starts to affect your life. Try to remember that everyone is doing the best they can and that they are not always in control of their circumstances, either. The only thing you can really control is what you do when you are faced with certain situations.

Control and Controlling Are Not the Same

I think it is important for each of us to feel in control of our lives—especially in relation to the present moment. That does not mean I think it’s necessary to be controlling of every interaction and circumstance that happens in your life, though.

Having control means that you are making active decisions to keep yourself moving forward. Being controlling means that you are trying too hard to make sure everything is done your way, even when it doesn’t specifically relate to you. I like being in control, but I never want someone else to feel like I am controlling.

Honor yourself and your emotions. Know that you have the power to change your present situation. Do not let yourself feel like a victim of your life. But don’t try to take away someone else’s control, either.

Just live, be present, be grateful, and always strive to be more.

Scars

I have a scar in the crook of my right elbow. It’s very light and most people never notice it, but its existence somewhat comforting for me. I got it one year in Florida. I think it was the last time my mom and I visited my grandparents together at their winter home.

We were going to visit some other family and I was already stressed out because my Jewish mom and grandparents were being loud and every-so-slightly neurotic. We got all the way down to the car before my grandfather realized he forgot the directions.

I offered to go back up to their third floor apartment to get them, but I wasn’t happy about it. It wasn’t really the inconvenience of going back upstairs. To be honest, I was a little relieved to get some time by myself and take a non-neurotic breath before spending more than an hour in the car with all the energy of my family. Now that I look back on it, I think I was frustrated more because it was so unlike my grandfather to forget something like that and it was one of the first signs that he was getting really old.

Anyway, I may have opened the door to their apartment a little too forcefully when I got back upstairs and my elbow got caught on a metal piece of the door. It started bleeding profusely right away and I knew that it was going to scar. I remember letting out a disgusted breath; not only would I have to find the directions, but now I would have to get a bandage too.

Although my negative inclinations seem silly now, I do remember thinking in the moment that I would be happy to have this scar. That I could always look back at it and remember the feeling of being at my grandparents’ house. There was and is something reassuring about it.

I’ve learned that scars don’t always show up the same way. There are the physical scars that constantly remind us of things, times, places, and people. The ones we can look at that instantly transform us somewhere else. My hands, legs, and even more forehead are littered with scars like this.

Then there are the hidden scars even we don’t see. The ones that affect us in unusual ways—like making us shy away from certain opportunities or that color our relationships with the people in our lives.

My friend and I were talking about these hidden scars this morning. One of my biggest hidden scars is about my father, with whom I have almost no relationship. I have definitely struggled with this scar throughout my life, but I have also honored those feelings enough that I usually find myself at peace about them.

During our conversation, though, I realized that just because you make “peace” with one of these scars does not mean that it heals. Like the physical scars on our bodies, they are always with us. And even if we have a good outlook about them, they can still pop up at unexpected times and muddy the aesthetic of our minds.

I also realized, though, that it’s okay if that happens. Because, like the scars on our bodies, these hidden scars tell the stories of our lives. If we let them, they can remind us of where we’ve been and allow us to stay centered as we move on to where we are going.

Instead of being disgusted by my scars, I’m going to try to feel some gratitude about them and understand that they helped shape me physically and emotionally.

And to realize that there is something soothing about the fact that they are always with me.

Getting Past the Past

It’s easy to find motivational posters and speakers who advocate living in the moment. To stop living in the past and worrying about the future and just focus on the now.

While I definitely agree that this is important, I also know that it isn’t as easy as just deciding that you are going to live in the moment. It does change your thinking to a certain extent, of course, but sometimes things from the past are so deeply seated that they affect your present.

That doesn’t mean that we should all dwell in the past, though. More that we need to honor our emotions and actually feel these things so we can say goodbye to them for good. So they don’t continue to follow us in the shadows as we try to move forward. So our present is no longer negatively affected by the past.

I’m not saying this because I’ve seen the light and I’ve completely shed the weight of past incidents. As recently as last week I had an emotional breakdown because of past emotions. Those feelings of despair stayed with me for almost two weeks. Then yesterday it seemed like the universe closed a couple of loose ends for me; one with a past relationship and another with a past job.

If I hadn’t had the breakdown last week and let myself feel those negative emotions, this ending might only be temporary in the story of my life. These incidents that hurt me in the past might surface again when I start to feel bad about myself in regards to relationships or unsure of myself when it comes to my career.

Now that I allowed myself to feel those emotions, though, I am confident that they will not surface unexpectedly from a random catalyst in the future. It was hard to feel them in the moment—crying on the floor of my house for a few hours hard—but I feel freer now that they’re gone.

You don’t want your past to define you, but it does shape you. You don’t want to completely ignore your feelings, but you also don’t want to feel them forever. Find a way to feel your emotions about the past, to honor them, and to let them go with love. Once you do that, you will be much more open to bigger and better things in the present and a more exciting future.

The present moment will eventually become the past so you want to make it count.

On Positivity

I wish I could say I’ve been a forward-thinking, positive person throughout my entire life, but it’s not true. There have been far too many times in which I’ve let doubt drive me—even though I truly believe that things tend to work themselves out in the end. It usually happens right before a major transition when I think too much about all of the “what if’s” and don’t let myself just have faith that everything will be okay.

On the other hand, I have always been positive for the people in my life. I tend to seek out relationships with other people who do look on the bright side. I think these relationships help me return to a place of positivity if I am starting to let fear and doubt color my thinking.

Lately I have really started to pay attention to intention. Why do people do the things they do? What is their motivation for their actions? Paying more attention to this has shown me that positivity is not always reciprocated as much as I think it is.

There are some people in your life who you think are positive, bright, shining forces, but then you realize that you are actually the one providing them with positivity. When the time comes to take the positivity torch, they do not always complete the pass.

If negativity does creep into my thoughts, I usually need a day or two of feeling sorry for myself and then I can typically pull out of it and return to my regularly scheduled (fairly) positive thinking. There are occasions, though, when I need a little bit of help from the people in my life.

Most of those people always go above and beyond and I am extremely lucky and grateful to have them. Even if they say things I’m not necessarily ready to hear, their words stay with me and I digest them when I’m in a better headspace. Lately, though, I’ve noticed that certain people have a tendency to disappear in situations like that. We might talk multiple times a week if things are normal—more if they are going through any kind of crisis. But the second I need the reciprocation, it goes radio silent.

And you know what? That’s okay. Because it made me realize something—we all need to be our own positive.

There will be plenty of times when it is easier to be negative, but positivity really does help to improve the way we handle things and it provides the spark to keep moving towards the best versions of ourselves.

Be your own positive and it will attract even more positivity to you.

Thinking Healthy on Eating Healthy

Yesterday I had a cold and it was totally my fault.

I admit—I had a week of eating pretty badly. I ate pizza. I ate doughnuts. I ate breaded chicken. And I put (gasp) real milk in my tea. Normally I am a total advocate of having balance in your life. Unfortunately, I am sensitive to gluten and dairy and my immune system did not agree with this sentiment.

Gluten messes with my sinuses. If I have one piece of pizza in a week, my nose gets stuffy, but it usually clears up the next day. Dairy makes my skin feel tight and if I have too much of it, I get hives. When I eat it as frequently as I did last week, it also increases the congestion in my sinuses.

After one week of being lax about what I ate, I got a cold. Not only that, but I also felt like I had fluid in my left ear. Before I realized I was sensitive to gluten, I used to feel like that all the time. Now I can’t even handle feeling like that for a day.

Luckily, though, my immune system was able to rally quickly and my cold only lasted for a night. I had not gotten sick for months before this brief cold. The last time I still ate gluten regularly and I was sick for two weeks. So I will be grateful for this hit-it-and-quit-it-cold.

The idea of eating healthy can really mess with your mind. If you go into it thinking that you’re depriving yourself or the world will end if you eat something “bad,” you will eventually fall off the wagon. I really believe that.

If you have a more positive attitude about it, though, and think of healthier foods as rewards for your body, eating better food becomes a part of your lifestyle. I’m definitely not saying to purge your cabinets of unhealthy foods (unless that’s something you need to do for yourself), or to avoid going to restaurants, or to run away screaming if someone brings a box of pastries to work. I am still a big advocate for balance, but that means enjoying the occasional treat in moderation.

I’m not even mad at myself for eating so poorly last week. It is really hard to be so careful about what I eat all the time and sometimes I just need a mental break from it. I am kind of disappointed that I chose to eat so many things that disagree with my body, though. I can still indulge every now and then without eating bread. There are pizza places that have gluten-free crusts, for example. And there are plenty of “bad” foods that don’t have wheat.

This week really taught me that I don’t want to feel crappy anymore. And all I have to do to avoid feeling crappy is to stop eating certain foods. If I stop thinking of these no-no foods as “rewards” for watching what I eat the rest of the time, they will lose some of their appeal.

At least I hope they will!

That does not mean that I’m never going to eat another piece of real pizza again, though. I just have to do it when I haven’t also had a sandwich on regular bread, doughnuts, and breaded chicken nuggets.

Changes

I’ve been thinking a lot about changes lately. I don’t know if you’ve heard, but there’s a solar eclipse today (just kidding—I’m sure it’s been taking over your Facebook newsfeed for the last few weeks).

Anyway, a lot of people talk about changes in relation to the eclipse and I was thinking about how the biggest changes in our lives start with the smallest steps. We aren’t always aware of the impact of these simple decisions, but they often send waves through our entire lives.

I know that a lot of people are scared of too much change and prefer things to stay the same. But as living, breathing beings, our worlds are constantly changing and trying to stay stagnant might be doing more harm than good.

Whether you are trying to make a huge life shift or you want to start making small changes to improve the way you feel each day, it is important to think about the positive that change can bring. Change is one of life’s constants and it can be amazing. Just be sure to remember:

The Little Things Count

One of the scariest elements of change is the idea that your whole life has to shift instantaneously. It actually doesn’t, though. If you want to eat healthier, for example, try to take baby steps toward your bigger goal.

I used to drink a lot of soda and I decided I didn’t want to do that anymore so I cut back to one a day. After that, I eventually stopped craving them at all and I’ve hardly had soda for the last fifteen years. If I tried to quit by going from 3-4 sodas a day to nothing, it probably would have taken me a lot longer to go through with it. Taking it slowly allowed me to make the change without actively realizing I was giving up soda. By the end, I accomplished my goal without feeling deprived.

Be Easy on Yourself

On the opposite side of the spectrum, when someone decides they want to make a change, they often expect everything to be different right away. Unfortunately, it doesn’t usually work that way.

I know I have been guilty of being hard on myself when I don’t wake up and see a totally different daily reality. In fact, my friends often have to remind me that I am working toward change.

I’ve knowingly dealt with my PCOS since 2009 and sometimes I still feel like I have such a huge mountain to climb when it comes to my hormones. But then I realize that I’m starting to see really positive changes and those changes are a direct result of all the small things I’ve been doing for the last eight years.

Once you plant the seeds, you might not see how they are working, but it is important to have faith that they are. And one day you’ll wake up and notice that you are living a better reality, you just weren’t instantly aware of it because it was a gradual shift.

It’s Okay to Want Change

Sometimes I feel like I’m ungrateful when I want new things for my life. But then I remind myself that just because I want new experiences, feelings, and situations, it does not mean that I don’t like the ones I’m currently living.

I know not everyone is like this, but I’m a person who really thrives on change (which might be why I’ve lived in six different cities in two countries and three states in the past ten years). If things don’t change frequently, I have a tendency to feel like I’m stuck and nothing is moving forward.

I’ve started to realize, though, that things are always changing. And when you take the time to check in with yourself and decide what you actually want out of your life, you are much more likely to get it.

Just remember to breathe, go easy on yourself, and appreciate the current moment before it morphs into a new one.

Trust

I can’t sleep on airplanes.

I can’t sleep in new places.

I can’t sleep when there is something on my mind.

I’ve always been jealous of people who can sleep anywhere. They emanate an inner peace that allows them to let go and shut down whenever they feel tired. Sleep for me is an exercise in trust. And it’s one of the few times that I see just how deep my trust issues run.

I can’t sleep on planes because most of the time I’m traveling by myself and I don’t want to completely surrender my control by giving in to the abyss.

I can’t sleep in new places because I do not yet feel comfortable in my surroundings.

I can’t sleep when there is something on my mind because I do not fully trust myself.

I didn’t realize that I didn’t trust myself until my friend and I had a conversation about the topic a few weeks ago. She pointed out how she thought her relationship issues were stemming from the fact that she didn’t really trust herself.

Initially I dismissed the idea. How could you not trust yourself? How could you function as a person without this innate certitude? But the more I thought about it, the more the idea started to make perfect sense to me.

Any time we doubt ourselves, it is because we do not trust our emotional and mental intelligence enough to make the right decision for our lives. Any time we feel anxious, we are reiterating that we do not trust ourselves or our intuition.

Since I became aware of the distrust I have within myself, I have tried to be more conscious of how I use it to sabotage my life. Whenever I feel uncomfortable, I take a second and do an internal check. Do I really feel uncomfortable or do I just not trust myself to navigate the situation correctly? Most of the time the answer is that I don’t trust myself—after I make the realization, I can usually change my attitude for the better.

Last week I visited a close friend in Georgia. He and I lifted weights in his home gym each day. I had better workouts than I’ve ever had in my life. Granted, my friend is a personal trainer and it is his job to motivate people, but I know that I did so well because his confidence inspired me to trust myself.

Once I started to trust myself, the weights moved so easily. I squatted 145 pounds with the same effort it used to take me to squat 110. I bench pressed 85 pounds instead of getting scared and giving up at 75 pounds. And my deadlift? Oh, man. Before that trip, my personal best was 155 pounds. Last week I managed to pick up the barbell with 205 pounds on it.

I’ve been thinking about writing this post for a few weeks, but I’m glad I waited until after my trip to Georgia to do it. I knew I needed to trust myself more, but I didn’t realize how much that simple act would instantly improve my mindset and allow me to do things I didn’t think I could do.

I have a feeling that the amount I trust myself will directly affect how well I do in life.

And, maybe, trusting myself more will also improve my sleep.

Live Like You’re Already Confident

Last night I was texting with a friend and she suddenly said, “random question, but what’s your ideal scenario where you see yourself being perfectly confident?”

“What do you mean?” I replied, unsure where she was going with it.

“I mean like in your mind’s eye, if you picture yourself at peak confidence, what does it look like? What does your day look like, that kind of thing.” The question caught me a little bit off guard and I waited a few minutes before I answered.

To be honest, when I did answer, it was pretty generic. My friend replied with her answer and the conversation moved onto different topics, but I kept thinking about the question. Why was it so hard for me to describe my ultimate scenario for confidence?

At first I thought it was because I feel like I am so lacking in confidence most of the time. As I ruminated on the idea (and slept on it), though, I started to change my mind. I think the reason that I had such a hard time answering the question was that there was a part of me, albeit a very small part, that wanted to rebel against the idea of needing to have all of these things in place to feel confident. Because I realized it’s hard to have the life you want, the one where you feel comfortable in your skin and like you’re on the right path for yourself, if you don’t already feel confident.

Even as I write that, I realize that it’s an easy concept to talk about, but a really hard one to master. But I also think that none of us give ourselves enough credit for those times when we are really and truly brave.

When I was pondering the question this morning I had an epiphany. I moved to Scotland to go to grad school when I was 24. Not only was I moving to an entirely different country, but it was to a country I had never even visited. And I moved there without knowing anyone else.

After that life-changing year, I moved to Boston to go to a different grad school. I had never been to Boston before the day I moved there, either, and I didn’t know anyone in the whole city. Both experiences were definitely hard, but they were also incredible. And I definitely would not have been able to do either if I didn’t have any confidence like I trick myself into thinking all the time.

I know my mentality is not going to change overnight, but I’m going to try to start looking at life like I’m already living at peak confidence and see what great things come my way.

So if my friend were to ask me today about my ideal scenario for peak confidence, I would say, “hopefully today, tomorrow, and every day after that.”

The No-Judgment Doughnut

Today I ate a doughnut.

Once upon a time, I would have been ashamed of publicly announcing that. Because I didn’t want to advertise when I ate anything that could be seen as “junk food.”

I’m sure a lot of people have this aversion to being seen eating fat and sugar-filled foods in public. I’m sure a lot of other people don’t care, but for me, this has always been a secret shame.

Because of PCOS, I can do three workouts in a day and eat what most people would consider a “healthy” diet without losing weight. If I let my workout routine slack for even a few days, I am very at risk for gaining a few pounds.

I have always been athletic and exercise has been an important part of my life since I was 14. Even with a regiment of hardcore workouts, I never felt like my body reflected this active lifestyle, though, and I was always afraid that people would judge me if they saw me in workout clothes. I hated eating anything like fries or doughnuts in public.

As I become more familiar with PCOS and how to manage it, I do not feel as badly about some of these behaviors. I will fully wear running pants and a tank top to the grocery store and not care if people don’t see an “athletic person” when they look at me. Because I finally realized that I am athletic. I’m strong and flexible and constantly working toward improving my fitness levels. And that’s something I know.

I will admit, though, that I do still struggle in the grocery store. If I have a craving for some chips or something sweet, I notice that I have to buy something healthy along with it. That’s not a bad habit, but my reason for doing it might not be the healthiest. I still have the stigma that people might judge me if I buy unhealthy food so I have to show them that most of my diet is nutritious. The other day I actually avoided getting some candy because I was already buying a bag of chips and I was too embarrassed to add more junk food to the conveyor belt.

As I write this, I’m sitting in Starbucks looking at three extremely fit girls decked out in workout gear while eating and drinking sugary pastries and coffees. Since athleisure wear is such a popular trend, I’m sure they paid a lot of money to look like they just came from the gym. The old me would have been jealous of them that they do not have to field discerning glances as they take a bite of a powdery scone.

But you know what? I have no way of knowing how they feel inside. Maybe they do worry about every glance that comes their way. Maybe they too struggled with eating something because they were too afraid of other people commenting on their diet or their physiques. And me judging them for not having to be judged is no better than someone judging me.

So, basically, we all need to relax, stop judging others, and stop worrying about other people judging us. But most importantly, we need to stop judging ourselves.

And occasionally eat the damn doughnut if we feel like it.

The Universe Has a Cruel Sense of Humor…and It Makes Me Laugh

This morning I took my dog Madigan for a run/walk along the river. We had just finished the first 3.5 miles and a lovely breeze kept me from getting too overheated, which is good because it’s already nearing 90 even though it’s only April.

Madigan started lagging a little so I slowed to a walk. For a split second I was frustrated that we were walking more of the trail than we were running, but then I passed a sign that showed it was 1.1 miles back to the car. I realized that when I first started “running,” I was lucky if I did a mile. Now I can run the majority of this 4-mile trail and still do another workout later in the day.

I started running again and thinking about writing this very blog post. I was going to put something about how I never really walked much until I moved to Scotland and got used to relying on my legs as my main mode of transportation. How when I lived in Boston there were probably days where I walked at least 10 miles with no issue. And how those routines made it easier to consciously get more steps in during the day now that I’m back in Arizona with easy access to a car and no need to ever walk more than a few hundred steps in a day.

Britney Spears “I’m a Slave 4 U” started playing through my headphones and I picked up my pace a little bit because, let’s be honest, that song is awesome. I was excited about my blog idea and feeling good with my pace. With a new pair of running leggings and bright orange shoes, a baseball cap, and sunglasses, I felt like I actually looked the part of a runner.

And then I fell on my face.

It wasn’t just a light fall, either. It was one of those embarrassing ones where you can tell it’s going to happen before it does and may or may not say “shit” as you step into a hole and end up sprawled out on the ground. The kind where there are other people around who say, “Are you okay?” and make the entire situation just a little more embarrassing.

I stood up and was glad to see that my new leggings stood up to the task of sliding across the pavement without tearing. As I put weight on my left ankle, I realized it was in no shape to continue running. Ha ha, Universe. Funny joke.

Madigan and I hobbled over to a bench with some shade and I sat down to rest my ankle. This is not the first time I’ve hurt it and I know it won’t be the last. It has been weak ever since I injured it one summer in Boston. I wish I could say it was for a glamorous reason like running or playing sports, but the truth is that it was a really windy day and I had long hair. The wind blew my hair in my face and as I flipped my head to get it out of my way, I stepped off my shoe and rolled my ankle.

Not my finest moment.

Anyway, instead of immediately limping back to my car or deciding to forget about the blog post after this latest fall, I realized that this was maybe a sign that I should write the piece. Because no matter how far along you are in your journey, there are always going to be hiccups and trip-ups and all kinds of other “ups” that make you want to stop. But even if you have to hobble a half a mile back to your car, you’re still moving forward.

And it’s important to appreciate your effort and even the smallest victories so you can always laugh at the Universe and its cruel sense of humor.