Travels

I don’t travel anymore.

I suspect that’s normal for most thirty-somethings who spent much of the prior decade seeing the world, but it is so unusual for me that I’m honestly having difficulty recognizing myself.

In June I flew to Atlanta and it was my first time on a plane since the end of 2014. 2014! Who am I?

I used to be the girl who decided on a whim to go to Italy with a friend after seeing “Under the Tuscan Sun” in college. The girl who had never traveled outside the U.S. and didn’t even had a passport. The one who decided to take a leap so big for her first international trip that she chose a place where she didn’t even speak the language. I was the girl who decided to look into the Birthright trip and actually made the choice to fly off to the Middle East on a two-week-trip with no one she knew.

Ballachulish, Scotland
A wedding in the Scottish Highlands

There was a time when I was a girl who decided to apply to graduate school in a foreign country. Instead of sending applications to a few different universities, that girl only applied to the University of Glasgow. And when she got in, she picked up her entire life and moved halfway across the world to a country she’d never visited even though she did not know another soul who lived there.

Public Garden in Boston
Exploring Boston’s Public Garden

This girl has traveled to Iceland and Ireland, Malta and Tennessee, England and Washington. She moved to Boston after a year in Scotland, which was another new city without any familiar faces.

Somewhere along the way, that girl turned into this girl. The girl who hasn’t been out of Arizona since June. Who hasn’t even been out of Tucson since November. The girl who no longer feels the passion of exploring a new place or meeting someone from a completely different culture and background.

And this girl can’t help but wonder what happened.

If you’ve ever met me before, you know that I can be really hard on myself. The fact that I don’t really travel anymore makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong…but I also realize the fear of what others think is part of the reason that I don’t do it much.

Of course practical things like money, work, and pet ownership make it more difficult to travel, but none of those things are impossible to overcome. What I’m having difficulty getting past, however, is my mind.

Even if you do not cower in a corner before your thirtieth birthday, something about that calendar milestone does change you. You start to get really in your head about what you should be doing and how you should act.

My thirty-year-old brain started telling me that I should try to settle down and stay in one place. I should get serious about finding a life partner and think about things like home ownership and retirement funds. These thoughts echoed louder than the desires that the real inner me whispered about wanting to travel more.

Before long, it seemed like those were the things I wanted in my life. That it was okay to sit at home by myself all the time because my real life would start soon—the life you’re supposed to have.

The problem with that, though, is that I was already living my real life. I was allowing myself to be adventurous and try new things. To spend time with the people who really understand me on a soul level—even if they live on the other side of the country or the world.

I don’t think I’m going to spontaneously buy a plane ticket to France or Brazil tomorrow, but I do think it is important to realize that I don’t have to give myself permission to want the things I want. It’s okay if I don’t have a conventional life.

The only thing that really matters is that I live a life that makes me really, really, ridiculously happy.

Gulfoss Waterfall, Iceland
Viewing Gulfoss in Iceland

Moments

It’s funny the things that stick with you in your mind. I was just walking past a guy who shuffled his flip-flops loudly along the ground as he moved and I thought, “Pick up your feet!”

As soon as the thought crossed my mind, I was transported back to the hallway of my elementary school where, while walking in a line with my class, an older teacher yelled the same thing at me. I have no idea how old I was, or who the teacher was, but it’s a moment that has caused déjà vu a few times in my life.

And I’ve definitely picked up my feet as I walk since then.

A girl walking toward the water

There are other things, other moments, that I want desperately to remember in such detail. What did it smell like when I walked into my flat in Glasgow each day? What did it feel like to walk in the sunshine along Newbury Street in Boston before class? What did I think about when I walked to and from class in both of these places? When was the first moment I realized there was a spark between my ex and I?

It’s not that I can’t remember what these things feel like, but it’s not the same sensory memory that I have associated with this weird “pick up your feet” moment. Why did my sub-conscious hold onto that one so tightly?

Memory has always fascinated me and lately I’ve been thinking about it in relation to how the past affects my current life.

One day my friend Amy and I were at the mall and we ran into someone we used to consider a dear friend. Both Amy and I had fallings out with this person, neither of which were amicable. All three of us pretended to be cordial during the surprise meeting, but it was obvious how uncomfortable this girl was. I have never experienced someone who wanted to see me so little—to the point that it was almost comical. In a weird way, this awkward reunion almost erased the rest of the history I had with this girl and we became strangers who didn’t like each other.

Later that same night I went out with another friend from my past. She and I don’t get to see each other very often, but any time we do it is like we always hang out. I had more fun that evening than I’d had in a long time. Even with all the gaps in our hangout history, we still had inside jokes and made a lot of new ones that night. I fit in with her friends, many of whom I just met. It just felt natural and right.

The juxtaposition of those two reunions interests me so much and I keep thinking about how the past constantly presents itself in different ways. The present does not always make room for it, though, just like it hadn’t that afternoon in the mall. Is this because that while we’re always changing and growing, there are parts of ourselves that stay the same? And we can still recognize others who have stayed the same in similar ways?

Do we have any control over these moments that we remember in such vivid detail? If I live more in the present, can I recall the tiniest details of this moment? The sound of music in my headphones, the feel of my feet swinging from the bar stool on which I’m perched, the looks on the faces of the other people in this coffee shop? Or am I dependent on my sub-conscious to fill in the details of moments it wants to remember?

I don’t have answers to these questions, but I do know (and have said before) that I want to try to live more in the present. Moments from the past will always pop up, but I do believe there is a way to marry them with the present—I just haven’t figured out exactly how to do that.

Yet.

water droplet

Breaking the Negativity Chain

You know that phrase “whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right?” I’ve been thinking a lot about that reasoning lately and I’m starting to see just how true it is.

Obviously it’s a little more complicated than the simplicity of the statement, but actually not by a lot. For years I struggled with confidence. I knew I was smart and I knew I was funny. I even knew I was pretty capable, but for some reason I didn’t allow that to translate into confidence in my skills and my abilities—especially in the workforce.

When I’m actually doing a job, I feel like I can handle it. When I’m trying to apply for jobs or go through the interview process, however, it’s a totally different story.

I don’t know why, but I was stuck telling myself this story that I’m not good enough to get high-paying jobs that require a hefty combination of education and experience. I have two masters’ degrees and I’ve been working in the same field for the better part of the last decade. Most people in my position would be earning a completely acceptable salary that affords them the opportunity to pay off loans, buy a house, and live a generally comfortable life.

The problem is, when you tell yourself negative stories like that, that’s the reality you create. I allowed myself to feel like I wasn’t good enough for better jobs, which kept me stuck in positions that paid me less than some friends who didn’t have any degrees. What was the point of paying for two graduate degrees if I’m only striving for positions that require a bachelors degree?

Friends and family have been trying for years to get me to increase my career confidence. They constantly tell me that I am good enough for those amazing jobs that I never feel like I deserve.

“You’re one of the smartest people I know.”

“You have so much experience.”

“You’re the only one I’d trust to do this project.” These are high-caliber compliments that multiple people have said to me over and over. If you don’t believe things like this about yourself, though, it doesn’t matter how many times people tell you. They literally go in one ear and right out the other.

Feeling bad about yourself is like continuously living a self-fulfilling prophecy. You’re already seeking out people and experiences that prove your point. Until you make that change in your mind, you will always find a reason to believe that you aren’t good enough or smart enough or experienced enough.

I don’t know what inspired me to make that mental switch, but I have. Slowly my thoughts are turning more toward the things I want instead of the things I feel like I don’t deserve. When someone compliments me, I’m more likely to believe them.

More importantly, though, I don’t need those affirmations to believe it myself.

And just like all of those overly positive motivational sayings promised, I’m already starting to see more opportunities come my way. Because I believe I deserve them.

I just looked up and saw a card that says, “Your future looks bright.” You know what? I’m finally starting to agree with that.

Many cultures believe elephants represent strength and power.

Control

With a new catastrophe in the news almost daily and others on deck, it is easy to feel like we have little-to-no control over what’s happening around us.

And that thought terrifies me.

I have always been greedy about the levels of control in my life. Even when I was in college, I never felt the need to get blackout drunk and turn my mind off enough to make reckless decisions.

I hate sitting in the passenger seat of a car. I much prefer to drive or sit in the back so I can’t see what is happening in front of me. I like to be in control when I can because it makes me feel more balanced in a world that seems more off-kilter every morning.

The idea of control has been on my mind a lot lately, but I’ve been thinking about it differently than I usually do. And I’ve realized a few things about it:

Sometimes It’s Good to Loosen the Control Reigns

While it is important to feel in control of your life and your decisions, sometimes the best experiences occur when you back off and let loose. The first time I ever left the country, I went to Italy with a friend. We were nineteen and, although we weren’t stupid, we didn’t have much life experience. I kept a journal of the trip and the one line I really remember after all of these years is “the best parts of our trip happened by accident.”

In one of those instances, we met a guy from Argentina and decided to take the train from Florence to Cortona with him. Lucas spoke more Italian than my friend and I, and we completely trusted him to find us a taxi back to the train station. We didn’t know it until we were almost down the windy roads of the small village, but Lucas actually paid some regular guy to take us down the hill (this was way, way before the days of Uber and Lyft). I momentarily freaked out when I discovered this, but we ended up being fine.

When you travel, you have to give up control otherwise you will be disappointed. Going with the flow is the only way to ensure that you have a fun time. This is a good metaphor for life: sometimes it is just not possible to be in control and you have to be okay with it.

You Can’t Control Others, But You Can Control How You React to Them

I think a lot of people struggle with the fact that they can’t control what other people do, myself included. We will never be able to control what other people do, but we can control how we react to it. If someone cuts you off in traffic, it’s okay to be annoyed, but if you let it ruin your whole day, you are only hurting yourself.

Don’t take the actions of others so seriously that it starts to affect your life. Try to remember that everyone is doing the best they can and that they are not always in control of their circumstances, either. The only thing you can really control is what you do when you are faced with certain situations.

Control and Controlling Are Not the Same

I think it is important for each of us to feel in control of our lives—especially in relation to the present moment. That does not mean I think it’s necessary to be controlling of every interaction and circumstance that happens in your life, though.

Having control means that you are making active decisions to keep yourself moving forward. Being controlling means that you are trying too hard to make sure everything is done your way, even when it doesn’t specifically relate to you. I like being in control, but I never want someone else to feel like I am controlling.

Honor yourself and your emotions. Know that you have the power to change your present situation. Do not let yourself feel like a victim of your life. But don’t try to take away someone else’s control, either.

Just live, be present, be grateful, and always strive to be more.

 

Scars

I have a scar in the crook of my right elbow. It’s very light and most people never notice it, but its existence somewhat comforting for me. I got it one year in Florida. I think it was the last time my mom and I visited my grandparents together at their winter home.

We were going to visit some other family and I was already stressed out because my Jewish mom and grandparents were being loud and every-so-slightly neurotic. We got all the way down to the car before my grandfather realized he forgot the directions.

I offered to go back up to their third floor apartment to get them, but I wasn’t happy about it. It wasn’t really the inconvenience of going back upstairs. To be honest, I was a little relieved to get some time by myself and take a non-neurotic breath before spending more than an hour in the car with all the energy of my family. Now that I look back on it, I think I was frustrated more because it was so unlike my grandfather to forget something like that and it was one of the first signs that he was getting really old.

Anyway, I may have opened the door to their apartment a little too forcefully when I got back upstairs and my elbow got caught on a metal piece of the door. It started bleeding profusely right away and I knew that it was going to scar. I remember letting out a disgusted breath; not only would I have to find the directions, but now I would have to get a bandage too.

Although my negative inclinations seem silly now, I do remember thinking in the moment that I would be happy to have this scar. That I could always look back at it and remember the feeling of being at my grandparents’ house. There was and is something reassuring about it.

I’ve learned that scars don’t always show up the same way. There are the physical scars that constantly remind us of things, times, places, and people. The ones we can look at that instantly transform us somewhere else. My hands, legs, and even more forehead are littered with scars like this.

Then there are the hidden scars even we don’t see. The ones that affect us in unusual ways—like making us shy away from certain opportunities or that color our relationships with the people in our lives.

My friend and I were talking about these hidden scars this morning. One of my biggest hidden scars is about my father, with whom I have almost no relationship. I have definitely struggled with this scar throughout my life, but I have also honored those feelings enough that I usually find myself at peace about them.

During our conversation, though, I realized that just because you make “peace” with one of these scars does not mean that it heals. Like the physical scars on our bodies, they are always with us. And even if we have a good outlook about them, they can still pop up at unexpected times and muddy the aesthetic of our minds.

I also realized, though, that it’s okay if that happens. Because, like the scars on our bodies, these hidden scars tell the stories of our lives. If we let them, they can remind us of where we’ve been and allow us to stay centered as we move on to where we are going.

Instead of being disgusted by my scars, I’m going to try to feel some gratitude about them and understand that they helped shape me physically and emotionally.

And to realize that there is something soothing about the fact that they are always with me.

Getting Past the Past

It’s easy to find motivational posters and speakers who advocate living in the moment. To stop living in the past and worrying about the future and just focus on the now.

While I definitely agree that this is important, I also know that it isn’t as easy as just deciding that you are going to live in the moment. It does change your thinking to a certain extent, of course, but sometimes things from the past are so deeply seated that they affect your present.

That doesn’t mean that we should all dwell in the past, though. More that we need to honor our emotions and actually feel these things so we can say goodbye to them for good. So they don’t continue to follow us in the shadows as we try to move forward. So our present is no longer negatively affected by the past.

I’m not saying this because I’ve seen the light and I’ve completely shed the weight of past incidents. As recently as last week I had an emotional breakdown because of past emotions. Those feelings of despair stayed with me for almost two weeks. Then yesterday it seemed like the universe closed a couple of loose ends for me; one with a past relationship and another with a past job.

If I hadn’t had the breakdown last week and let myself feel those negative emotions, this ending might only be temporary in the story of my life. These incidents that hurt me in the past might surface again when I start to feel bad about myself in regards to relationships or unsure of myself when it comes to my career.

Now that I allowed myself to feel those emotions, though, I am confident that they will not surface unexpectedly from a random catalyst in the future. It was hard to feel them in the moment—crying on the floor of my house for a few hours hard—but I feel freer now that they’re gone.

You don’t want your past to define you, but it does shape you. You don’t want to completely ignore your feelings, but you also don’t want to feel them forever. Find a way to feel your emotions about the past, to honor them, and to let them go with love. Once you do that, you will be much more open to bigger and better things in the present and a more exciting future.

The present moment will eventually become the past so you want to make it count.

On Positivity

I wish I could say I’ve been a forward-thinking, positive person throughout my entire life, but it’s not true. There have been far too many times in which I’ve let doubt drive me—even though I truly believe that things tend to work themselves out in the end. It usually happens right before a major transition when I think too much about all of the “what if’s” and don’t let myself just have faith that everything will be okay.

On the other hand, I have always been positive for the people in my life. I tend to seek out relationships with other people who do look on the bright side. I think these relationships help me return to a place of positivity if I am starting to let fear and doubt color my thinking.

Lately I have really started to pay attention to intention. Why do people do the things they do? What is their motivation for their actions? Paying more attention to this has shown me that positivity is not always reciprocated as much as I think it is.

There are some people in your life who you think are positive, bright, shining forces, but then you realize that you are actually the one providing them with positivity. When the time comes to take the positivity torch, they do not always complete the pass.

If negativity does creep into my thoughts, I usually need a day or two of feeling sorry for myself and then I can typically pull out of it and return to my regularly scheduled (fairly) positive thinking. There are occasions, though, when I need a little bit of help from the people in my life.

Most of those people always go above and beyond and I am extremely lucky and grateful to have them. Even if they say things I’m not necessarily ready to hear, their words stay with me and I digest them when I’m in a better headspace. Lately, though, I’ve noticed that certain people have a tendency to disappear in situations like that. We might talk multiple times a week if things are normal—more if they are going through any kind of crisis. But the second I need the reciprocation, it goes radio silent.

And you know what? That’s okay. Because it made me realize something—we all need to be our own positive.

There will be plenty of times when it is easier to be negative, but positivity really does help to improve the way we handle things and it provides the spark to keep moving towards the best versions of ourselves.

Be your own positive and it will attract even more positivity to you.

Thinking Healthy on Eating Healthy

Yesterday I had a cold and it was totally my fault.

I admit—I had a week of eating pretty badly. I ate pizza. I ate doughnuts. I ate breaded chicken. And I put (gasp) real milk in my tea. Normally I am a total advocate of having balance in your life. Unfortunately, I am sensitive to gluten and dairy and my immune system did not agree with this sentiment.

Gluten messes with my sinuses. If I have one piece of pizza in a week, my nose gets stuffy, but it usually clears up the next day. Dairy makes my skin feel tight and if I have too much of it, I get hives. When I eat it as frequently as I did last week, it also increases the congestion in my sinuses.

After one week of being lax about what I ate, I got a cold. Not only that, but I also felt like I had fluid in my left ear. Before I realized I was sensitive to gluten, I used to feel like that all the time. Now I can’t even handle feeling like that for a day.

Luckily, though, my immune system was able to rally quickly and my cold only lasted for a night. I had not gotten sick for months before this brief cold. The last time I still ate gluten regularly and I was sick for two weeks. So I will be grateful for this hit-it-and-quit-it-cold.

The idea of eating healthy can really mess with your mind. If you go into it thinking that you’re depriving yourself or the world will end if you eat something “bad,” you will eventually fall off the wagon. I really believe that.

If you have a more positive attitude about it, though, and think of healthier foods as rewards for your body, eating better food becomes a part of your lifestyle. I’m definitely not saying to purge your cabinets of unhealthy foods (unless that’s something you need to do for yourself), or to avoid going to restaurants, or to run away screaming if someone brings a box of pastries to work. I am still a big advocate for balance, but that means enjoying the occasional treat in moderation.

I’m not even mad at myself for eating so poorly last week. It is really hard to be so careful about what I eat all the time and sometimes I just need a mental break from it. I am kind of disappointed that I chose to eat so many things that disagree with my body, though. I can still indulge every now and then without eating bread. There are pizza places that have gluten-free crusts, for example. And there are plenty of “bad” foods that don’t have wheat.

This week really taught me that I don’t want to feel crappy anymore. And all I have to do to avoid feeling crappy is to stop eating certain foods. If I stop thinking of these no-no foods as “rewards” for watching what I eat the rest of the time, they will lose some of their appeal.

At least I hope they will!

That does not mean that I’m never going to eat another piece of real pizza again, though. I just have to do it when I haven’t also had a sandwich on regular bread, doughnuts, and breaded chicken nuggets.

Changes

I’ve been thinking a lot about changes lately. I don’t know if you’ve heard, but there’s a solar eclipse today (just kidding—I’m sure it’s been taking over your Facebook newsfeed for the last few weeks).

Anyway, a lot of people talk about changes in relation to the eclipse and I was thinking about how the biggest changes in our lives start with the smallest steps. We aren’t always aware of the impact of these simple decisions, but they often send waves through our entire lives.

I know that a lot of people are scared of too much change and prefer things to stay the same. But as living, breathing beings, our worlds are constantly changing and trying to stay stagnant might be doing more harm than good.

Whether you are trying to make a huge life shift or you want to start making small changes to improve the way you feel each day, it is important to think about the positive that change can bring. Change is one of life’s constants and it can be amazing. Just be sure to remember:

The Little Things Count

 One of the scariest elements of change is the idea that your whole life has to shift instantaneously. It actually doesn’t, though. If you want to eat healthier, for example, try to take baby steps toward your bigger goal.

I used to drink a lot of soda and I decided I didn’t want to do that anymore so I cut back to one a day. After that, I eventually stopped craving them at all and I’ve hardly had soda for the last fifteen years. If I tried to quit by going from 3-4 sodas a day to nothing, it probably would have taken me a lot longer to go through with it. Taking it slowly allowed me to make the change without actively realizing I was giving up soda. By the end, I accomplished my goal without feeling deprived.

Be Easy on Yourself

 On the opposite side of the spectrum, when someone decides they want to make a change, they often expect everything to be different right away. Unfortunately, it doesn’t usually work that way.

I know I have been guilty of being hard on myself when I don’t wake up and see a totally different daily reality. In fact, my friends often have to remind me that I am working toward change.

I’ve knowingly dealt with my PCOS since 2009 and sometimes I still feel like I have such a huge mountain to climb when it comes to my hormones. But then I realize that I’m starting to see really positive changes and those changes are a direct result of all the small things I’ve been doing for the last eight years.

Once you plant the seeds, you might not see how they are working, but it is important to have faith that they are. And one day you’ll wake up and notice that you are living a better reality, you just weren’t instantly aware of it because it was a gradual shift.

It’s Okay to Want Change

 Sometimes I feel like I’m ungrateful when I want new things for my life. But then I remind myself that just because I want new experiences, feelings, and situations, it does not mean that I don’t like the ones I’m currently living.

I know not everyone is like this, but I’m a person who really thrives on change (which might be why I’ve lived in six different cities in two countries and three states in the past ten years). If things don’t change frequently, I have a tendency to feel like I’m stuck and nothing is moving forward.

I’ve started to realize, though, that things are always changing. And when you take the time to check in with yourself and decide what you actually want out of your life, you are much more likely to get it.

Just remember to breathe, go easy on yourself, and appreciate the current moment before it morphs into a new one.

Trust

I can’t sleep on airplanes.

I can’t sleep in new places.

I can’t sleep when there is something on my mind.

I’ve always been jealous of people who can sleep anywhere. They emanate an inner peace that allows them to let go and shut down whenever they feel tired. Sleep for me is an exercise in trust. And it’s one of the few times that I see just how deep my trust issues run.

I can’t sleep on planes because most of the time I’m traveling by myself and I don’t want to completely surrender my control by giving in to the abyss.

I can’t sleep in new places because I do not yet feel comfortable in my surroundings.

I can’t sleep when there is something on my mind because I do not fully trust myself.

I didn’t realize that I didn’t trust myself until my friend and I had a conversation about the topic a few weeks ago. She pointed out how she thought her relationship issues were stemming from the fact that she didn’t really trust herself.

Initially I dismissed the idea. How could you not trust yourself? How could you function as a person without this innate certitude? But the more I thought about it, the more the idea started to make perfect sense to me.

Any time we doubt ourselves, it is because we do not trust our emotional and mental intelligence enough to make the right decision for our lives. Any time we feel anxious, we are reiterating that we do not trust ourselves or our intuition.

Since I became aware of the distrust I have within myself, I have tried to be more conscious of how I use it to sabotage my life. Whenever I feel uncomfortable, I take a second and do an internal check. Do I really feel uncomfortable or do I just not trust myself to navigate the situation correctly? Most of the time the answer is that I don’t trust myself—after I make the realization, I can usually change my attitude for the better.

Last week I visited a close friend in Georgia. He and I lifted weights in his home gym each day. I had better workouts than I’ve ever had in my life. Granted, my friend is a personal trainer and it is his job to motivate people, but I know that I did so well because his confidence inspired me to trust myself.

Once I started to trust myself, the weights moved so easily. I squatted 145 pounds with the same effort it used to take me to squat 110. I bench pressed 85 pounds instead of getting scared and giving up at 75 pounds. And my deadlift? Oh, man. Before that trip, my personal best was 155 pounds. Last week I managed to pick up the barbell with 205 pounds on it.

I’ve been thinking about writing this post for a few weeks, but I’m glad I waited until after my trip to Georgia to do it. I knew I needed to trust myself more, but I didn’t realize how much that simple act would instantly improve my mindset and allow me to do things I didn’t think I could do.

I have a feeling that the amount I trust myself will directly affect how well I do in life.

And, maybe, trusting myself more will also improve my sleep.