For Grandpa, with Love

Since I lost my grandpa in 2014, Father’s Day has been a rough holiday for me. This one is especially hard because tomorrow would have been his 99th birthday.

When I was growing up, I did not have my dependable male role models. Unfortunately, I do not have much of a relationship with my father. Fortunately for me, though, I had the best grandfather anyone could ever ask for.

I don’t usually use this space to write about topics like this, but I’ve been subconsciously composing this blog in my head for the last few hours, so I figured it was something that deserved actual effort.

So, here’s to you, Howard J. Gilbert on the eve of your 99th birthday:

It’s hard for me to express just how special my grandpa was. One of the only ways I can think of to do it is to say that he was a likable IRS agent. He would audit people and they still considered him a good guy. If that doesn’t show someone’s character, I don’t know what does.

There are many things I inherited from my grandfather. I definitely have his sense of direction; we both have the innate ability to find our way around whether we are in a new city or a strange part of town. I think I have his sense of humor. We both try to put a comedic spin on most things. He always used to say, “When I was young, I was so bright that my mother used to call me Sunny.” Recently I have started to realize that I think I have his lips.

There are many more things that I hope I inherited from my grandfather. I hope I have his integrity. He was one of the most honest, decent people I’ve ever met. I hope I have his logic. Even into his nineties, he could out-think almost anyone in the vicinity. I hope I have his kindness. If you were an important person to Howie Gilbert, he would do anything for you. He always picked up the check at dinner. He was reliable and affectionate and incredibly caring. Even the host at IHOP smiled when he saw my grandparents walking through the door.

And he worshipped my grandmother. After she died, you could see that he lost most of his will to live. I guess seventy-three years together will do that to you.

He lived through the Great Depression and the only visible scar it left with him was a strange affinity for eating ketchup on spaghetti. He had a massive heart attack in his forties and lived to 95 with only 10 percent usage of his heart. He went through the unimaginable pain of losing his oldest child when he was 85 and lived without her (and even less of his heart) for another decade.

There is no greater accomplishment in my life than the thought of making him proud. After my grandmother died, my mom brought him to Arizona to live with her. One of the prized possessions he made sure to bring was a stack of different things I’d written over the years. I didn’t even know he printed most of those pieces, and I still can’t even think about this without crying.

I know a lot of girls hope to find a life partner who reminds them of their father, but for me, my ultimate relationship goal is to find a man like my grandfather. Someone who is calm and steadfast. Someone who finds the humor in even the worst situations. Someone who puts his family above all else. Someone who doesn’t cause trouble for no reason, but also stands up for what’s right.

Happy Father’s Day and Happy Birthday, Grandpa. You always were and always will be my favorite guy in the world.

Go with Your Gut

I did something pretty amazing. I think I cured my dairy sensitivity.

For the past few years, dairy has caused me swelling, hives, and a lot of discomfort. Because of that, I have been avoiding dairy products like kids avoid vegetables. And let me tell you, that has not been an easy feat.

Quinoa, sweet potatoes, and red onion is a delicious dairy-free meal.

Staying away from dairy is much more than asking for a sandwich without cheese or opting for soy milk instead of regular milk when ordering a latte. It means being diligent about checking labels on all food. Dairy has a tendency to sneak in when you least expect it. You want to enjoy some whole grain bread with your lunch? Too bad, there’s dairy in it. You want to have some candy? Well, your options are pretty limited to things like licorice or jelly beans because most things with chocolate have dairy in them.

It definitely was not easy to avoid dairy, but I found a system that seemed to be pretty effective for me. Every once in a while I would give in to temptation and allow myself to have a piece of pizza or some ranch dressing. Whenever I gave in to dairy, my eye or lips swelled up or I got hives.

Eggs have become a main staple of my diet since I’ve given up dairy.

Lately I’ve been studying nutrition and the way the body works for my own benefit. I find it really interesting to see how the different systems inside work together. During my research, I started to learn a lot about the small intestine, which many people refer to as the gut. What many people do not know about the gut, though, is that it contains a large portion of the immune system. This means if your gut is not healthy, the rest of your body is likely to be unhealthy as well.

Everyone has bacteria in the small intestine. There are plenty of good bacteria that not only improve your gut health, but they also improve your overall health. Bad bacteria, on the other hand, lead to a lot of issues.

Because the modern American diet consists largely of carbohydrates, sugar, and dairy,  people are much more likely to have intestinal health issues. These concerns combined with the stress of daily life affect you much more than you might realize.

In fact, there are a lot of people who have something called leaky gut syndrome without even realizing it. Basically, this means that small holes have developed along the intestinal lining. These holes make it hard for your body to absorb nutrients. It also makes it easy for large pieces of gluten, dairy, and other potentially problematic substances to get into your gut and into your bloodstream.

Researchers are starting to link leaky gut with a lot of illnesses and disorders. One of the biggest signs that you have leaky gut is the sudden development of food allergies…like a sensitivity to dairy.

I am not a doctor, but I researched leaky gut and how to improve intestinal health and started to make small changes to my daily routine. Luckily, avoiding dairy and gluten are two of the biggest ways to improve your gut health and I was already doing both. I also started taking a probiotic every day, using coconut milk regularly, and taking apple cider vinegar tablets.

Once again, I am not a medical professional, but this system has seemingly worked for me. I have had some dairy the last week (including cheese pizza on gluten-free crust) and I have not had ANY itching or swelling. Hooray!

I’m not planning to fully incorporate dairy back into my diet, especially not at home. But it makes my life soooo much easier being able to be a little more lenient with my menu options when I’m eating in the real world.

This cake was made with coconut flour, coconut milk, and coconut yogurt. I’m not going to lie, it was delicious.

Live Like You’re Already Confident

Last night I was texting with a friend and she suddenly said, “random question, but what’s your ideal scenario where you see yourself being perfectly confident?”

“What do you mean?” I replied, unsure where she was going with it.

“I mean like in your mind’s eye, if you picture yourself at peak confidence, what does it look like? What does your day look like, that kind of thing.” The question caught me a little bit off guard and I waited a few minutes before I answered.

To be honest, when I did answer, it was pretty generic. My friend replied with her answer and the conversation moved onto different topics, but I kept thinking about the question. Why was it so hard for me to describe my ultimate scenario for confidence?

At first I thought it was because I feel like I am so lacking in confidence most of the time. As I ruminated on the idea (and slept on it), though, I started to change my mind. I think the reason that I had such a hard time answering the question was that there was a part of me, albeit a very small part, that wanted to rebel against the idea of needing to have all of these things in place to feel confident. Because I realized it’s hard to have the life you want, the one where you feel comfortable in your skin and like you’re on the right path for yourself, if you don’t already feel confident.

Even as I write that, I realize that it’s an easy concept to talk about, but a really hard one to master. But I also think that none of us give ourselves enough credit for those times when we are really and truly brave.

When I was pondering the question this morning I had an epiphany. I moved to Scotland to go to grad school when I was 24. Not only was I moving to an entirely different country, but it was to a country I had never even visited. And I moved there without knowing anyone else.

After that life-changing year, I moved to Boston to go to a different grad school. I had never been to Boston before the day I moved there, either, and I didn’t know anyone in the whole city. Both experiences were definitely hard, but they were also incredible. And I definitely would not have been able to do either if I didn’t have any confidence like I trick myself into thinking all the time.

I know my mentality is not going to change overnight, but I’m going to try to start looking at life like I’m already living at peak confidence and see what great things come my way.

So if my friend were to ask me today about my ideal scenario for peak confidence, I would say, “hopefully today, tomorrow, and every day after that.”

The No-Judgment Doughnut

Today I ate a doughnut.

Once upon a time, I would have been ashamed of publicly announcing that. Because I didn’t want to advertise when I ate anything that could be seen as “junk food.”

I’m sure a lot of people have this aversion to being seen eating fat and sugar-filled foods in public. I’m sure a lot of other people don’t care, but for me, this has always been a secret shame.

Because of PCOS, I can do three workouts in a day and eat what most people would consider a “healthy” diet without losing weight. If I let my workout routine slack for even a few days, I am very at risk for gaining a few pounds.

I have always been athletic and exercise has been an important part of my life since I was 14. Even with a regiment of hardcore workouts, I never felt like my body reflected this active lifestyle, though, and I was always afraid that people would judge me if they saw me in workout clothes. I hated eating anything like fries or doughnuts in public.

As I become more familiar with PCOS and how to manage it, I do not feel as badly about some of these behaviors. I will fully wear running pants and a tank top to the grocery store and not care if people don’t see an “athletic person” when they look at me. Because I finally realized that I am athletic. I’m strong and flexible and constantly working toward improving my fitness levels. And that’s something I know.

I will admit, though, that I do still struggle in the grocery store. If I have a craving for some chips or something sweet, I notice that I have to buy something healthy along with it. That’s not a bad habit, but my reason for doing it might not be the healthiest. I still have the stigma that people might judge me if I buy unhealthy food so I have to show them that most of my diet is nutritious. The other day I actually avoided getting some candy because I was already buying a bag of chips and I was too embarrassed to add more junk food to the conveyor belt.

As I write this, I’m sitting in Starbucks looking at three extremely fit girls decked out in workout gear while eating and drinking sugary pastries and coffees. Since athleisure wear is such a popular trend, I’m sure they paid a lot of money to look like they just came from the gym. The old me would have been jealous of them that they do not have to field discerning glances as they take a bite of a powdery scone.

But you know what? I have no way of knowing how they feel inside. Maybe they do worry about every glance that comes their way. Maybe they too struggled with eating something because they were too afraid of other people commenting on their diet or their physiques. And me judging them for not having to be judged is no better than someone judging me.

So, basically, we all need to relax, stop judging others, and stop worrying about other people judging us. But most importantly, we need to stop judging ourselves.

And occasionally eat the damn doughnut if we feel like it.

The Universe Has a Cruel Sense of Humor…and It Makes Me Laugh

Maddie and Me

This morning I took my dog Madigan for a run/walk along the river. We had just finished the first 3.5 miles and a lovely breeze kept me from getting too overheated, which is good because it’s already nearing 90 even though it’s only April.

Madigan started lagging a little so I slowed to a walk. For a split second I was frustrated that we were walking more of the trail than we were running, but then I passed a sign that showed it was 1.1 miles back to the car. I realized that when I first started “running,” I was lucky if I did a mile. Now I can run the majority of this 4-mile trail and still do another workout later in the day.

I started running again and thinking about writing this very blog post. I was going to put something about how I never really walked much until I moved to Scotland and got used to relying on my legs as my main mode of transportation. How when I lived in Boston there were probably days where I walked at least 10 miles with no issue. And how those routines made it easier to consciously get more steps in during the day now that I’m back in Arizona with easy access to a car and no need to ever walk more than a few hundred steps in a day.

Britney Spears “I’m a Slave 4 U” started playing through my headphones and I picked up my pace a little bit because, let’s be honest, that song is awesome. I was excited about my blog idea and feeling good with my pace. With a new pair of running leggings and bright orange shoes, a baseball cap, and sunglasses, I felt like I actually looked the part of a runner.

And then I fell on my face.

It wasn’t just a light fall, either. It was one of those embarrassing ones where you can tell it’s going to happen before it does and may or may not say “shit” as you step into a hole and end up sprawled out on the ground. The kind where there are other people around who say, “Are you okay?” and make the entire situation just a little more embarrassing.

I stood up and was glad to see that my new leggings stood up to the task of sliding across the pavement without tearing. As I put weight on my left ankle, I realized it was in no shape to continue running. Ha ha, Universe. Funny joke.

Madigan and I hobbled over to a bench with some shade and I sat down to rest my ankle. This is not the first time I’ve hurt it and I know it won’t be the last. It has been weak ever since I injured it one summer in Boston. I wish I could say it was for a glamorous reason like running or playing sports, but the truth is that it was a really windy day and I had long hair. The wind blew my hair in my face and as I flipped my head to get it out of my way, I stepped off my shoe and rolled my ankle.

Not my finest moment.

Anyway, instead of immediately limping back to my car or deciding to forget about the blog post after this latest fall, I realized that this was maybe a sign that I should write the piece. Because no matter how far along you are in your journey, there are always going to be hiccups and trip-ups and all kinds of other “ups” that make you want to stop. But even if you have to hobble a half a mile back to your car, you’re still moving forward.

And it’s important to appreciate your effort and even the smallest victories so you can always laugh at the Universe and its cruel sense of humor.

And sometimes when you heed the Universe’s warning and take a breather, you see a pair of underwear hanging by the river.

The Cost of Convenience

Our society has officially crossed the border into the “I want it five minutes ago” mentality. Because of this, we are much more inclined to hunt down the easiest, most convenient products and services to enhance our lives. You know, as long as it doesn’t take too much effort to do that.

Sometimes when I’m in the grocery store, I look around in amazement at the sheer amount of products that are available at any time of the day. It is truly remarkable and I know that we are lucky to live in a society that has so much to offer. Not everyone has the same advantages.

The problem with this kind of culture, though, is that we are subjected to so many more chemicals and additives than we realize. Yeah it’s great to be able to grab some nail polish on clearance for $1 or to pay a low price for a huge package of processed cereal from a bulk store like Costco, but I believe this convenience is costing us in other ways.

According to the Campaign for Safe Cosmetics, there are many cosmetics that contain known carcinogens. Chemicals like formaldehyde, arsenic, benzene, and even coal tar are used to perfect these low-priced personal care products so companies can produce them faster and make them last longer.

Even everyday products like deodorant contain ingredients like aluminum and parabens, which are endocrine disruptors called xenoestrogens that act like estrogen. Not only does this mess up hormones, but it can also lead to serious health issues. Some scientists have even linked products like this to breast cancer.

Personal care products are not the only problem. Even our food contains dangerous additives that hugely affect the health of the nation. According to Jillian Michaels (AKA trainer, nutrition author, and my spirit animal), Americans eat a diet that consists of roughly 60 percent processed foods. 60 percent!

Ingredients like palm oil contain trans fat, which messes up your cholesterol and puts you at a much greater risk for issues like a stroke or heart attack. White processed foods like bread and cereal have been stripped of any nutritional value. This modified grain is much easier for your body to digest, but that really effs with your blood sugar and puts you at higher risk for things like diabetes. Soda often contains preservatives like sodium benzene, which prevents mold, but is also known to cause cancer. I could continue, but I think you’re probably getting the idea.

What I’m saying is these huge companies that are producing these products are, understandably, trying to make money. But the best way for them to make money is to create products that last way longer than they should and have low price tags to be more appealing to buyers. Unfortunately, that means that have to add so many chemicals that it is getting harder and harder to avoid them.

The average women will put 126 ingredients onto her face, neck, and hands in one day from just following a normal makeup and skincare routine. In one year, most women absorb about five pounds of chemicals from these products.

I’m not saying you should throw out the contents of your home and start using leaves for personal hygiene. Let’s be honest, no one wants to be known as the smelly one. But I do think it is extremely important to do some research and find out which products are doing more harm than good. Especially if you are a woman with hormonal issues or you want to have children.

One of the biggest changes I’ve made in my life to deal with my PCOS is to try to avoid some of the worst chemicals in my daily life. I started using honey to wash my face. To be honest, it feels nice, it’s cheaper than face wash, and I have gotten a lot of compliments on my skin lately. Instead of deodorant I can grab at Target, I started using a version that is free of aluminum and parabens that I found at the health food store. I switched over to safer nail polish brands and I’m more careful about the makeup I use. I only spray perfume onto my clothes instead of onto my skin.

I’m definitely not perfect with it, but I try to eat fewer processed foods than I used to eat and I hardly ever drink soda. These small changes have made a noticeable difference with my hormones and I don’t suffer from things like cystic acne and excessive hair shedding like I once did. Being more diligent about the things I’m putting into my body also makes me feel like I have more control over my health.

The Case of Colliding Time

Time is a funny thing.

The other day I sat with my computer on the shopping street near my Alma matter. It was a beautiful day and sitting out there transported me back in time to when I was a student.

I felt the same exact way I felt when I was 21 and temporarily forgot the last eleven years had even happened. It was almost like I was living in an apartment right off campus and taking advantage of the fact that I could walk with my computer to a coffee shop and change up my scenery.

Until I heard a group of girls who are actually in college talking at the next table. They punctuated every sentence with the word “like,” all had matching processed blonde hair, and talked loudly about their plans for Valentine’s Day.

Their conversation burst my reverie bubble and left me feeling out of sorts. Suddenly I was hyper aware of the fact that I haven’t had time to dye my roots and there were quite a few grey hairs dotting the top of my head. (To be fair, I also had them when I was in college, but at that moment they made me feel old).

The girls kept stopping their conversations to check their phones and I had another surreal moment of feeling without time. The street still looked, felt, and sounded the same, but these foreign elements were changing it. I barely figured out that my phone had texting capabilities when I was a freshman in college. Nowadays people can do literally everything from their phones.

How different would college have been if things like online dating and Netflix took up most of our time? Would I have had the same kind of experience I actually did have? Thinking about the difference in time was disconcerting.

The area around campus has always felt like a safe haven to me. It still did that day, it also made me feel like an imposter being there. Like everyone could glance at me and tell that I was out of place.

That’s silly, I know, and it wasn’t actually happening, but the collision of past, present, and future was almost too much to handle. It was like the past and the future met head on and the impact was so intense it completely knocked me off balance.

I couldn’t help but think about my college self and whether or not she would be happy with the way my life has turned out. Or if she were a college student today, would that significantly change the course of her life?

They say only time will tell, but I’m not so sure that’s true. I think it’s more up to us to decide what to do with time.

Don’t Think

I have a problem. It is a problem that affects every area of my life. I think too much.

I’ll admit, in certain circumstances, this can be a good thing. I usually think through my route before I drive somewhere so I know where I’m going. I plan out my outfit in my mind before I even open my closet so I don’t have to try on eight different outfits (most days). In many other cases, though, this is a giant pain in my ass.

Thinking too much often makes me worry needlessly about things that do not need any attention. And might be why I have so many grey hairs on top of my head.

Anyway, one of the areas of my life that has gotten already way too much brainpower is my body. I’ve talked about my struggles with working out and eating healthy and not seeing any real results a few times in this blog, so I won’t bore you with the gory details on that one. Let’s just say, it was something that crossed my mind at least once a day.

But something amazing has happened recently. I stopped giving a shit about this stuff and I actually started to LOSE WEIGHT. Okay, that maybe simplifies it a little too much, but it kind of sums it up.

I got tired of working out so hard and not seeing anything happen to my body. In between bouts of frustration, I had a nagging feeling that I was eating something else that my body was not tolerating (I already had to give up dairy because it started giving me hives). I tried to quiet my mind and really listen to myself to decide what food was causing me problems and the answer I heard was: bread.

Like Oprah, I have always loved bread. Subconsciously I might have had an inkling that my body didn’t like it, but I never wanted to make the leap and fully give it up. And now that I have to live a dairy-free life, I didn’t want to become one of those obnoxious people who is dairy free and gluten free and literally can’t eat anything. Ever.

But my body had different ideas and literally a week after I gave up wheat, my sinuses instantly cleared up. I never realized just how stuffed they were on a daily basis until I no longer had a problem with them. I also felt like I had fluid in my left ear for years. YEARS. It was so bad that I had to sleep on my left side basically every night.

Isn’t it crazy the kinds of things we just put up with to avoid changing our daily habits?

As I was finally giving up wheat, I took a step back from my daily exercise routine of two hardcore workouts. Like a big break. I didn’t work out at all for a few weeks. And for the first time in a long time, I lost a noticeable amount of weight.

I know there were a lot of factors that went into finally being able to lose weight, but this whole situation taught me that I do not have to think everything to death. I can only do the best that I can do and make as much effort as I can make. Once I do that, thinking myself into a tizzy is not going to help me. With anything….except being able to use the word tizzy in a real sentence.

So, I could go on eating dairy and bread and build up another tolerance that allows me to kind of forget about the hives and the sinus problems. But I would rather feel good than just deal with feeling uncomfortable all the time. And that is something I do not have to think about for days to know is true.

Why Rory in the Reboot of Gilmore Girls is Basically Me at This Moment

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There are few characters in television or movies to which I relate to as much as 32-year-old Rory Gilmore. It’s like we live the same life (except I wish I had dated Jess. Just sayin’).

Like Rory, my father has been absent for much of my life. I am a writer by trade, but am currently going through a bit of a transition in that area of my life. While I do know where all of my underwear is, most of my stuff is sitting in boxes in the storage closet at my mom’s house and I had to get rid of most of my furniture. I have lived in five different apartments or houses in three different cities and two different states since 2012. Although I have not been there in a while, there are quite a few stamps from the UK in my passport. And I’m back home but not “back.” And I’m still coming to terms with the loss of my grandfather.

Oh, and I am also bilingual in English and sarcasm.

It’s a hard thing when you see your life going in a certain direction and you suddenly get jerked in a completely different one. I think as humans, we too often let superficial things define us. Jobs, boyfriends, cars. And when one of those things is gone, it takes a minute to steady yourself and realize who you are without it.

Rory and I have our own struggles, but I feel like I’m in that moment sitting at a desk across from Jess (again, I wish) and spewing how lost and adrift I feel at this time in my life. How, at 32, I really saw things going differently for me. The moment *right before* Jess says “you should write a book” and suddenly Rory’s wheels start turning and she finally feels like she has some kind of purpose again. Something to work toward. I don’t know what that thing will be for me. Maybe it will be a book. Maybe it’ll be something I have not yet considered. But I’m excited to find it.

I think for much of our lives, other people have looked at Rory (yes, I realize she’s fictional) and I as the people who will succeed. We both did well in school. We both made all the “right” choices. But that does not mean we are automatically on our right paths.

Rory and I have to be kind enough to ourselves to realize that we have not failed everyone just because we are not yet at a current stage in our lives. Or that things aren’t going to turn out okay just because we aren’t there yet.

There’s still time.

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On Healing

Today I was studying about injury and inflammation. When one of your cells is injured, your body sends chemicals like plasma proteins, white blood cells, and fluids to the site of injury to repair the cell.

The damaged cells themselves even release something called kinins to help the inflammation process.ouch-1434056-639x424The body is truly amazing. It can heal itself to an incredible level. But it got me thinking, why can’t we heal ourselves emotionally as efficiently as the body takes care of injury and illness?

The thing is, we can. But it takes hard work. And acknowledgement of the issues, which is not easy.

I broke my elbow when I was a child and my body healed itself. Every once in a while the area gets tight and I have to stretch it out, but on the whole I almost never think about this injury that disrupted my life for an entire summer.

I wish I could say the same about seemingly small incidents that have left a permanent imprint on my psyche. One bad grade or one confrontation with a friend now serves as a trigger. When something in my daily life reminds me of these memories, the feelings of not being good enough come rushing back to the surface and it is hard to shake myself free from them.

Besides the occasional stiffness, there is no physical evidence of a bone I broke so many years ago. There is no physical evidence of any of my emotional injuries, either, but they still survive there just beneath the surface, waiting for a memory to bring them back to the forefront of my mind.

Talking about healing these emotional issues is one thing…I realize that. But I think the first step to actually doing it is acknowledging it. And hopefully the next time I let something from my past make me sad in the present, I can picture myself fixing my emotional cells just like my body heals my physical ones.

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