Tag: confidence

Breaking the Negativity Chain

You know that phrase “whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right?” I’ve been thinking a lot about that reasoning lately and I’m starting to see just how true it is.

Obviously it’s a little more complicated than the simplicity of the statement, but actually not by a lot. For years I struggled with confidence. I knew I was smart and I knew I was funny. I even knew I was pretty capable, but for some reason I didn’t allow that to translate into confidence in my skills and my abilities—especially in the workforce.

When I’m actually doing a job, I feel like I can handle it. When I’m trying to apply for jobs or go through the interview process, however, it’s a totally different story.

I don’t know why, but I was stuck telling myself this story that I’m not good enough to get high-paying jobs that require a hefty combination of education and experience. I have two masters’ degrees and I’ve been working in the same field for the better part of the last decade. Most people in my position would be earning a completely acceptable salary that affords them the opportunity to pay off loans, buy a house, and live a generally comfortable life.

The problem is, when you tell yourself negative stories like that, that’s the reality you create. I allowed myself to feel like I wasn’t good enough for better jobs, which kept me stuck in positions that paid me less than some friends who didn’t have any degrees. What was the point of paying for two graduate degrees if I’m only striving for positions that require a bachelors degree?

Friends and family have been trying for years to get me to increase my career confidence. They constantly tell me that I am good enough for those amazing jobs that I never feel like I deserve.

“You’re one of the smartest people I know.”

“You have so much experience.”

“You’re the only one I’d trust to do this project.” These are high-caliber compliments that multiple people have said to me over and over. If you don’t believe things like this about yourself, though, it doesn’t matter how many times people tell you. They literally go in one ear and right out the other.

Feeling bad about yourself is like continuously living a self-fulfilling prophecy. You’re already seeking out people and experiences that prove your point. Until you make that change in your mind, you will always find a reason to believe that you aren’t good enough or smart enough or experienced enough.

I don’t know what inspired me to make that mental switch, but I have. Slowly my thoughts are turning more toward the things I want instead of the things I feel like I don’t deserve. When someone compliments me, I’m more likely to believe them.

More importantly, though, I don’t need those affirmations to believe it myself.

And just like all of those overly positive motivational sayings promised, I’m already starting to see more opportunities come my way. Because I believe I deserve them.

I just looked up and saw a card that says, “Your future looks bright.” You know what? I’m finally starting to agree with that.

Many cultures believe elephants represent strength and power.

Getting Past the Past

It’s easy to find motivational posters and speakers who advocate living in the moment. To stop living in the past and worrying about the future and just focus on the now.

While I definitely agree that this is important, I also know that it isn’t as easy as just deciding that you are going to live in the moment. It does change your thinking to a certain extent, of course, but sometimes things from the past are so deeply seated that they affect your present.

That doesn’t mean that we should all dwell in the past, though. More that we need to honor our emotions and actually feel these things so we can say goodbye to them for good. So they don’t continue to follow us in the shadows as we try to move forward. So our present is no longer negatively affected by the past.

I’m not saying this because I’ve seen the light and I’ve completely shed the weight of past incidents. As recently as last week I had an emotional breakdown because of past emotions. Those feelings of despair stayed with me for almost two weeks. Then yesterday it seemed like the universe closed a couple of loose ends for me; one with a past relationship and another with a past job.

If I hadn’t had the breakdown last week and let myself feel those negative emotions, this ending might only be temporary in the story of my life. These incidents that hurt me in the past might surface again when I start to feel bad about myself in regards to relationships or unsure of myself when it comes to my career.

Now that I allowed myself to feel those emotions, though, I am confident that they will not surface unexpectedly from a random catalyst in the future. It was hard to feel them in the moment—crying on the floor of my house for a few hours hard—but I feel freer now that they’re gone.

You don’t want your past to define you, but it does shape you. You don’t want to completely ignore your feelings, but you also don’t want to feel them forever. Find a way to feel your emotions about the past, to honor them, and to let them go with love. Once you do that, you will be much more open to bigger and better things in the present and a more exciting future.

The present moment will eventually become the past so you want to make it count.

Live Like You’re Already Confident

Last night I was texting with a friend and she suddenly said, “random question, but what’s your ideal scenario where you see yourself being perfectly confident?”

“What do you mean?” I replied, unsure where she was going with it.

“I mean like in your mind’s eye, if you picture yourself at peak confidence, what does it look like? What does your day look like, that kind of thing.” The question caught me a little bit off guard and I waited a few minutes before I answered.

To be honest, when I did answer, it was pretty generic. My friend replied with her answer and the conversation moved onto different topics, but I kept thinking about the question. Why was it so hard for me to describe my ultimate scenario for confidence?

At first I thought it was because I feel like I am so lacking in confidence most of the time. As I ruminated on the idea (and slept on it), though, I started to change my mind. I think the reason that I had such a hard time answering the question was that there was a part of me, albeit a very small part, that wanted to rebel against the idea of needing to have all of these things in place to feel confident. Because I realized it’s hard to have the life you want, the one where you feel comfortable in your skin and like you’re on the right path for yourself, if you don’t already feel confident.

Even as I write that, I realize that it’s an easy concept to talk about, but a really hard one to master. But I also think that none of us give ourselves enough credit for those times when we are really and truly brave.

When I was pondering the question this morning I had an epiphany. I moved to Scotland to go to grad school when I was 24. Not only was I moving to an entirely different country, but it was to a country I had never even visited. And I moved there without knowing anyone else.

After that life-changing year, I moved to Boston to go to a different grad school. I had never been to Boston before the day I moved there, either, and I didn’t know anyone in the whole city. Both experiences were definitely hard, but they were also incredible. And I definitely would not have been able to do either if I didn’t have any confidence like I trick myself into thinking all the time.

I know my mentality is not going to change overnight, but I’m going to try to start looking at life like I’m already living at peak confidence and see what great things come my way.

So if my friend were to ask me today about my ideal scenario for peak confidence, I would say, “hopefully today, tomorrow, and every day after that.”

The No-Judgment Doughnut

Today I ate a doughnut.

Once upon a time, I would have been ashamed of publicly announcing that. Because I didn’t want to advertise when I ate anything that could be seen as “junk food.”

I’m sure a lot of people have this aversion to being seen eating fat and sugar-filled foods in public. I’m sure a lot of other people don’t care, but for me, this has always been a secret shame.

Because of PCOS, I can do three workouts in a day and eat what most people would consider a “healthy” diet without losing weight. If I let my workout routine slack for even a few days, I am very at risk for gaining a few pounds.

I have always been athletic and exercise has been an important part of my life since I was 14. Even with a regiment of hardcore workouts, I never felt like my body reflected this active lifestyle, though, and I was always afraid that people would judge me if they saw me in workout clothes. I hated eating anything like fries or doughnuts in public.

As I become more familiar with PCOS and how to manage it, I do not feel as badly about some of these behaviors. I will fully wear running pants and a tank top to the grocery store and not care if people don’t see an “athletic person” when they look at me. Because I finally realized that I am athletic. I’m strong and flexible and constantly working toward improving my fitness levels. And that’s something I know.

I will admit, though, that I do still struggle in the grocery store. If I have a craving for some chips or something sweet, I notice that I have to buy something healthy along with it. That’s not a bad habit, but my reason for doing it might not be the healthiest. I still have the stigma that people might judge me if I buy unhealthy food so I have to show them that most of my diet is nutritious. The other day I actually avoided getting some candy because I was already buying a bag of chips and I was too embarrassed to add more junk food to the conveyor belt.

As I write this, I’m sitting in Starbucks looking at three extremely fit girls decked out in workout gear while eating and drinking sugary pastries and coffees. Since athleisure wear is such a popular trend, I’m sure they paid a lot of money to look like they just came from the gym. The old me would have been jealous of them that they do not have to field discerning glances as they take a bite of a powdery scone.

But you know what? I have no way of knowing how they feel inside. Maybe they do worry about every glance that comes their way. Maybe they too struggled with eating something because they were too afraid of other people commenting on their diet or their physiques. And me judging them for not having to be judged is no better than someone judging me.

So, basically, we all need to relax, stop judging others, and stop worrying about other people judging us. But most importantly, we need to stop judging ourselves.

And occasionally eat the damn doughnut if we feel like it.