goals Archives - Blogging by Beth

Why Didn’t We Start the Fire?

Fire is powerful—it is strong and energetic and ever changing. It is also completely terrifying and unpredictable. Basically, it is the perfect metaphor for life.

I spent yesterday afternoon and evening with a small group of friends enjoying life and each other’s company. We ate, we sat in an inflatable pool in the front yard, and we talked around a fire after the sun went down. Our conversation ranged from becoming ex-pats on an olive farm in Spain to giving up toxic friendships that held us back in the past. It wasn’t a huge, crazy party, but it was the perfect way to spend a Sunday.

And it set my soul on fire.

As I sat watching the flames crackle across the broken pieces of wood and old mail used to create the fire, I though about how much I want to do that in my daily life. Too often we are taught to put out our own fires. We aren’t supposed to want certain things or be unhappy when life is going at least moderately well.

When you have an experience that ignites you, though, it fills your veins with passion. It makes you feel like that’s exactly how life should be.

And why can’t it be that way? Why do we have to be so scared to try the things we really want to do? Why do people stay at jobs they hate and dread waking up each day of the week? Why do we hide our talents and dreams from others?

A lot of the conversation yesterday afternoon centered around a wedding. Two of my closest friends recently got engaged and their excitement quickly overtook the rest of us. For an entire week, the betrothed couple had no idea what they wanted for their wedding. Then within a day, we were able to plan a good portion of it. I think once they finally let themselves admit that they wanted nothing to do with a “traditional” wedding, they had the freedom to express their deepest desires.

Fire cannot be caged. It does not bow and bend to meet the wishes of others. It lives and breathes exactly as it wants to. It swallows up anything in its path and even when it’s put out, it simply changes form and evaporates into the atmosphere.

Fire is beauty. It is raw and dangerous and an absolute life force. It is also a role model for those who want to escape the confines of an average life.

Breaking the Negativity Chain

You know that phrase “whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right?” I’ve been thinking a lot about that reasoning lately and I’m starting to see just how true it is.

Obviously it’s a little more complicated than the simplicity of the statement, but actually not by a lot. For years I struggled with confidence. I knew I was smart and I knew I was funny. I even knew I was pretty capable, but for some reason I didn’t allow that to translate into confidence in my skills and my abilities—especially in the workforce.

When I’m actually doing a job, I feel like I can handle it. When I’m trying to apply for jobs or go through the interview process, however, it’s a totally different story.

I don’t know why, but I was stuck telling myself this story that I’m not good enough to get high-paying jobs that require a hefty combination of education and experience. I have two masters’ degrees and I’ve been working in the same field for the better part of the last decade. Most people in my position would be earning a completely acceptable salary that affords them the opportunity to pay off loans, buy a house, and live a generally comfortable life.

The problem is, when you tell yourself negative stories like that, that’s the reality you create. I allowed myself to feel like I wasn’t good enough for better jobs, which kept me stuck in positions that paid me less than some friends who didn’t have any degrees. What was the point of paying for two graduate degrees if I’m only striving for positions that require a bachelors degree?

Friends and family have been trying for years to get me to increase my career confidence. They constantly tell me that I am good enough for those amazing jobs that I never feel like I deserve.

“You’re one of the smartest people I know.”

“You have so much experience.”

“You’re the only one I’d trust to do this project.” These are high-caliber compliments that multiple people have said to me over and over. If you don’t believe things like this about yourself, though, it doesn’t matter how many times people tell you. They literally go in one ear and right out the other.

Feeling bad about yourself is like continuously living a self-fulfilling prophecy. You’re already seeking out people and experiences that prove your point. Until you make that change in your mind, you will always find a reason to believe that you aren’t good enough or smart enough or experienced enough.

I don’t know what inspired me to make that mental switch, but I have. Slowly my thoughts are turning more toward the things I want instead of the things I feel like I don’t deserve. When someone compliments me, I’m more likely to believe them.

More importantly, though, I don’t need those affirmations to believe it myself.

And just like all of those overly positive motivational sayings promised, I’m already starting to see more opportunities come my way. Because I believe I deserve them.

I just looked up and saw a card that says, “Your future looks bright.” You know what? I’m finally starting to agree with that.

Many cultures believe elephants represent strength and power.

The Universe Has a Cruel Sense of Humor…and It Makes Me Laugh

This morning I took my dog Madigan for a run/walk along the river. We had just finished the first 3.5 miles and a lovely breeze kept me from getting too overheated, which is good because it’s already nearing 90 even though it’s only April.

Madigan started lagging a little so I slowed to a walk. For a split second I was frustrated that we were walking more of the trail than we were running, but then I passed a sign that showed it was 1.1 miles back to the car. I realized that when I first started “running,” I was lucky if I did a mile. Now I can run the majority of this 4-mile trail and still do another workout later in the day.

I started running again and thinking about writing this very blog post. I was going to put something about how I never really walked much until I moved to Scotland and got used to relying on my legs as my main mode of transportation. How when I lived in Boston there were probably days where I walked at least 10 miles with no issue. And how those routines made it easier to consciously get more steps in during the day now that I’m back in Arizona with easy access to a car and no need to ever walk more than a few hundred steps in a day.

Britney Spears “I’m a Slave 4 U” started playing through my headphones and I picked up my pace a little bit because, let’s be honest, that song is awesome. I was excited about my blog idea and feeling good with my pace. With a new pair of running leggings and bright orange shoes, a baseball cap, and sunglasses, I felt like I actually looked the part of a runner.

And then I fell on my face.

It wasn’t just a light fall, either. It was one of those embarrassing ones where you can tell it’s going to happen before it does and may or may not say “shit” as you step into a hole and end up sprawled out on the ground. The kind where there are other people around who say, “Are you okay?” and make the entire situation just a little more embarrassing.

I stood up and was glad to see that my new leggings stood up to the task of sliding across the pavement without tearing. As I put weight on my left ankle, I realized it was in no shape to continue running. Ha ha, Universe. Funny joke.

Madigan and I hobbled over to a bench with some shade and I sat down to rest my ankle. This is not the first time I’ve hurt it and I know it won’t be the last. It has been weak ever since I injured it one summer in Boston. I wish I could say it was for a glamorous reason like running or playing sports, but the truth is that it was a really windy day and I had long hair. The wind blew my hair in my face and as I flipped my head to get it out of my way, I stepped off my shoe and rolled my ankle.

Not my finest moment.

Anyway, instead of immediately limping back to my car or deciding to forget about the blog post after this latest fall, I realized that this was maybe a sign that I should write the piece. Because no matter how far along you are in your journey, there are always going to be hiccups and trip-ups and all kinds of other “ups” that make you want to stop. But even if you have to hobble a half a mile back to your car, you’re still moving forward.

And it’s important to appreciate your effort and even the smallest victories so you can always laugh at the Universe and its cruel sense of humor.