mental health Archives - Blogging by Beth

Taking the Self Out of Sabotage

I actually got my butt out of bed at 5:30 this morning and took my dog to the river for a walk/run. We traveled four miles total, but most of it was walking. The few bouts of jogging (definitely not running) had me coughing and trying to catch my breath.

Just a few days ago, we went along the same pathway and jogged most of a 5K. Why was it almost impossible for me to repeat that performance today? Well, much like Oprah, I love bread. But bread does not love me.

I discovered recently that wheat goes straight to my sinuses and causes unnecessary congestion. If I don’t eat it, I hardly ever even have a runny nose. If I eat it a few times in a week, I get a few sniffles, but I can usually bounce back just fine. If I pass the point of no return, however, I get headaches, major post-nasal drip, and lots of phlegm.

Long story long, I ate too much bread this week and basically couldn’t breathe when I tried to run today.

I’ve been thinking a lot about self-sabotaging lately and the reason behind it. I’m aware I’m not alone in doing things I know aren’t good for me. Sure, sometimes the motivation is simply that it is much easier to eat a piece of bread than to try to find some gluten-free alternative. But sometimes I think I practice destructive behavior because I feel like that’s what I deserve.

If I’m having a day where I feel sorry for myself, I crave unhealthy food. Since my self-esteem is already on the low side, it’s almost like I’m proving myself right by eating things I shouldn’t.

Eating something filled with delicious wheat or dairy (which I can’t really have either) is not the only way I self-sabotage. Sometimes I won’t work out even though I have time to or I decide to watch three more episodes of a show instead of take my dog for a walk.

The thing is, when I actually do these things, I feel so amazing. And I’m way less likely to have those feel-sorry-for-myself thoughts. I don’t even really know where the self-sabotage cycle starts, I just know that it is vicious when it does.

I don’t think simple awareness is enough to stop the sabotage steam engine, but I do think it’s a start.

It is probably a good idea to avoid beating myself up any time I eat wheat, or skip a workout, or watch more Netflix, though, or I might jump into a sabotaging cycle that is even harder to escape.

Don’t Think

I have a problem. It is a problem that affects every area of my life. I think too much.

I’ll admit, in certain circumstances, this can be a good thing. I usually think through my route before I drive somewhere so I know where I’m going. I plan out my outfit in my mind before I even open my closet so I don’t have to try on eight different outfits (most days). In many other cases, though, this is a giant pain in my ass.

Thinking too much often makes me worry needlessly about things that do not need any attention. And might be why I have so many grey hairs on top of my head.

Anyway, one of the areas of my life that has gotten already way too much brainpower is my body. I’ve talked about my struggles with working out and eating healthy and not seeing any real results a few times in this blog, so I won’t bore you with the gory details on that one. Let’s just say, it was something that crossed my mind at least once a day.

But something amazing has happened recently. I stopped giving a shit about this stuff and I actually started to LOSE WEIGHT. Okay, that maybe simplifies it a little too much, but it kind of sums it up.

I got tired of working out so hard and not seeing anything happen to my body. In between bouts of frustration, I had a nagging feeling that I was eating something else that my body was not tolerating (I already had to give up dairy because it started giving me hives). I tried to quiet my mind and really listen to myself to decide what food was causing me problems and the answer I heard was: bread.

Like Oprah, I have always loved bread. Subconsciously I might have had an inkling that my body didn’t like it, but I never wanted to make the leap and fully give it up. And now that I have to live a dairy-free life, I didn’t want to become one of those obnoxious people who is dairy free and gluten free and literally can’t eat anything. Ever.

But my body had different ideas and literally a week after I gave up wheat, my sinuses instantly cleared up. I never realized just how stuffed they were on a daily basis until I no longer had a problem with them. I also felt like I had fluid in my left ear for years. YEARS. It was so bad that I had to sleep on my left side basically every night.

Isn’t it crazy the kinds of things we just put up with to avoid changing our daily habits?

As I was finally giving up wheat, I took a step back from my daily exercise routine of two hardcore workouts. Like a big break. I didn’t work out at all for a few weeks. And for the first time in a long time, I lost a noticeable amount of weight.

I know there were a lot of factors that went into finally being able to lose weight, but this whole situation taught me that I do not have to think everything to death. I can only do the best that I can do and make as much effort as I can make. Once I do that, thinking myself into a tizzy is not going to help me. With anything….except being able to use the word tizzy in a real sentence.

So, I could go on eating dairy and bread and build up another tolerance that allows me to kind of forget about the hives and the sinus problems. But I would rather feel good than just deal with feeling uncomfortable all the time. And that is something I do not have to think about for days to know is true.

On Healing

Today I was studying about injury and inflammation. When one of your cells is injured, your body sends chemicals like plasma proteins, white blood cells, and fluids to the site of injury to repair the cell.

The damaged cells themselves even release something called kinins to help the inflammation process. ouch-1434056-639x424 The body is truly amazing. It can heal itself to an incredible level. But it got me thinking, why can’t we heal ourselves emotionally as efficiently as the body takes care of injury and illness?

The thing is, we can. But it takes hard work. And acknowledgement of the issues, which is not easy.

I broke my elbow when I was a child and my body healed itself. Every once in a while the area gets tight and I have to stretch it out, but on the whole I almost never think about this injury that disrupted my life for an entire summer.

I wish I could say the same about seemingly small incidents that have left a permanent imprint on my psyche. One bad grade or one confrontation with a friend now serves as a trigger. When something in my daily life reminds me of these memories, the feelings of not being good enough come rushing back to the surface and it is hard to shake myself free from them.

Besides the occasional stiffness, there is no physical evidence of a bone I broke so many years ago. There is no physical evidence of any of my emotional injuries, either, but they still survive there just beneath the surface, waiting for a memory to bring them back to the forefront of my mind.

Talking about healing these emotional issues is one thing…I realize that. But I think the first step to actually doing it is acknowledging it. And hopefully the next time I let something from my past make me sad in the present, I can picture myself fixing my emotional cells just like my body heals my physical ones.

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The Fight that Might Never Stop

PCOS is a jerk. I’m pretty sure I’ve said that before—but it’s no less true now than it was then.

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On top of all of the regular issues like messing with your weight and your cycle, studies have shown that PCOS also increases a woman’s risk for anxiety and depression. So this condition is basically bullying women who probably already have health issues and low self-esteem with the inability to remain calm and happy? Great…

Jerk.

Another thing I’ve mentioned before is that my PCOS is not nearly as severe as most and for that I am grateful. But that doesn’t mean that it isn’t hard. Exercising and eating healthy usually help me keep my mind pretty in check. I’ll have the occasional bad day, but I can talk myself out of it pretty quickly.

Unfortunately, I have to always work out and eat healthy to see any kind of results—whether they’re physical or mental. My life is a constant fight to keep my body and my mind in check.

And it. Is. Exhausting.

I was pretty motivated this last month and I went to the gym almost every day to do a workout with heavy weights. For most people, that is the extent of their workout for the day. Not for me, though. Once I got home and took a little time off, I popped in Insanity Max 30 or Jillian Michaels’ Body Revolution.

This is a lot of physical activity for one day and these workouts are hard. I tried to listen to my body and rest when I needed it. The exertion, the daily stress of life, and the fact that it is still 90 degrees outside and arctic inside most buildings, though, eventually wore me down and I caught a bad cold that lasted for about a week.

Again, in the life of most people, taking a week off of working out is no big deal. Sure, you might not be as strong as you were the first time you go back to the gym, but you’ll build your stamina up pretty quickly. That’s not the case for me, though, and it’s not for most women who have PCOS.

Even one week off can throw my entire body off whack. Which makes me feel bad about myself. Which makes it harder to get back into the gym. Which leaves room for anxious or depressed thoughts to fill my mind. Vicious cycle much?

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I really try not to be so hard on myself. Friends and family yell at me about that all the time.

“You’re working so hard! It’s okay to take a day off.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t be working out so hard.”

“Give yourself a break. You’re only human.”

I get what they’re saying. I really do. And I understand that life is about balance, which I am trying to work on.

But the fact of the matter is that until I find out exactly what works for me and my PCOS, I do have to work this hard. I have to keep fighting. Because I have no other choice.

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