no judgment Archives - Blogging by Beth

The No-Judgment Doughnut

Today I ate a doughnut.

Once upon a time, I would have been ashamed of publicly announcing that. Because I didn’t want to advertise when I ate anything that could be seen as “junk food.”

I’m sure a lot of people have this aversion to being seen eating fat and sugar-filled foods in public. I’m sure a lot of other people don’t care, but for me, this has always been a secret shame.

Because of PCOS, I can do three workouts in a day and eat what most people would consider a “healthy” diet without losing weight. If I let my workout routine slack for even a few days, I am very at risk for gaining a few pounds.

I have always been athletic and exercise has been an important part of my life since I was 14. Even with a regiment of hardcore workouts, I never felt like my body reflected this active lifestyle, though, and I was always afraid that people would judge me if they saw me in workout clothes. I hated eating anything like fries or doughnuts in public.

As I become more familiar with PCOS and how to manage it, I do not feel as badly about some of these behaviors. I will fully wear running pants and a tank top to the grocery store and not care if people don’t see an “athletic person” when they look at me. Because I finally realized that I am athletic. I’m strong and flexible and constantly working toward improving my fitness levels. And that’s something I know.

I will admit, though, that I do still struggle in the grocery store. If I have a craving for some chips or something sweet, I notice that I have to buy something healthy along with it. That’s not a bad habit, but my reason for doing it might not be the healthiest. I still have the stigma that people might judge me if I buy unhealthy food so I have to show them that most of my diet is nutritious. The other day I actually avoided getting some candy because I was already buying a bag of chips and I was too embarrassed to add more junk food to the conveyor belt.

As I write this, I’m sitting in Starbucks looking at three extremely fit girls decked out in workout gear while eating and drinking sugary pastries and coffees. Since athleisure wear is such a popular trend, I’m sure they paid a lot of money to look like they just came from the gym. The old me would have been jealous of them that they do not have to field discerning glances as they take a bite of a powdery scone.

But you know what? I have no way of knowing how they feel inside. Maybe they do worry about every glance that comes their way. Maybe they too struggled with eating something because they were too afraid of other people commenting on their diet or their physiques. And me judging them for not having to be judged is no better than someone judging me.

So, basically, we all need to relax, stop judging others, and stop worrying about other people judging us. But most importantly, we need to stop judging ourselves.

And occasionally eat the damn doughnut if we feel like it.

On Healing

Today I was studying about injury and inflammation. When one of your cells is injured, your body sends chemicals like plasma proteins, white blood cells, and fluids to the site of injury to repair the cell.

The damaged cells themselves even release something called kinins to help the inflammation process. ouch-1434056-639x424 The body is truly amazing. It can heal itself to an incredible level. But it got me thinking, why can’t we heal ourselves emotionally as efficiently as the body takes care of injury and illness?

The thing is, we can. But it takes hard work. And acknowledgement of the issues, which is not easy.

I broke my elbow when I was a child and my body healed itself. Every once in a while the area gets tight and I have to stretch it out, but on the whole I almost never think about this injury that disrupted my life for an entire summer.

I wish I could say the same about seemingly small incidents that have left a permanent imprint on my psyche. One bad grade or one confrontation with a friend now serves as a trigger. When something in my daily life reminds me of these memories, the feelings of not being good enough come rushing back to the surface and it is hard to shake myself free from them.

Besides the occasional stiffness, there is no physical evidence of a bone I broke so many years ago. There is no physical evidence of any of my emotional injuries, either, but they still survive there just beneath the surface, waiting for a memory to bring them back to the forefront of my mind.

Talking about healing these emotional issues is one thing…I realize that. But I think the first step to actually doing it is acknowledging it. And hopefully the next time I let something from my past make me sad in the present, I can picture myself fixing my emotional cells just like my body heals my physical ones.

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I should…Shouldn’t I?

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“Stop using the word should!” My friend said as we sat talking on her couch. I had just gotten off work and my dislike for my job had me feeling defeated, deflated, and depleted. It was only my second week there, but I already found myself dreading the fact that I had to return.

“You can’t do things just because you feel like you should do them,” she said.

I stayed at her house for a few hours so we could have one of our long in-depth conversations that always made both of us feel better about life.

The “should” part of the conversation really stuck with me, though. I started thinking about how much that stupid word dictates my life.

Any time I feel bad about myself, it is because I start thinking about what I “should” be doing. But what scale am I using to measure this? Whose standards am I using to judge myself?

The truth of the matter is that I use that word too. Damn. Much. I constantly have internal battles with myself because I feel like I’m not measuring up in some area of my life.

I should look a certain way. I should be at a certain place in my life. I should be making a certain amount of money. I should be married with kids at my age.

There’s definitely a small part of me that rebels against this word—otherwise I probably would be settled down with a house and kids. I am 32, after all.

But the rebellious side of me somehow managed to overtake these toxic thoughts. That’s how I was able to go to Italy with a friend after watching Under the Tuscan Sun when I was 19. That’s how I took a trip to Israel at 23 without knowing anyone else in my group. That’s how I moved to Scotland by myself for a year and to Boston for two years after that.

I think my intuition helps me bypass the “should” speed bump in a lot of ways. But it also makes me question myself when I do not have an immediate answer. When I am really ready to do something, I feel like it’s right in my gut and I just do it (i.e. move across the world to a country I had never even visited).

When I am unsure of my next move, though, the “should” train comes blazing down the tracks. It’s almost like I start thinking about what I should have done throughout every phase of my life…even the times when I felt so sure about my decision. And let me tell you, questioning decisions you have already made is a good way to add more grey hairs to your head without accomplishing much else.

I’m not expecting this to change overnight, but now that I realize I spend so much time agonizing over what other people think, I can hopefully start to care more about what I think and live my life accordingly.

Because being a prisoner to the word “should” is no way to live. This stupid word has made me judge myself and my decisions for too long. It has also taken a lot of the joy out of my day-to-day experiences. But life is too short and I am too tired of second-guessing myself to keep feeling down when I can just live the life I want to live and smile like I mean it.