personal development Archives

Why Didn’t We Start the Fire?

Fire is powerful—it is strong and energetic and ever changing. It is also completely terrifying and unpredictable. Basically, it is the perfect metaphor for life.

I spent yesterday afternoon and evening with a small group of friends enjoying life and each other’s company. We ate, we sat in an inflatable pool in the front yard, and we talked around a fire after the sun went down. Our conversation ranged from becoming ex-pats on an olive farm in Spain to giving up toxic friendships that held us back in the past. It wasn’t a huge, crazy party, but it was the perfect way to spend a Sunday.

And it set my soul on fire.

As I sat watching the flames crackle across the broken pieces of wood and old mail used to create the fire, I though about how much I want to do that in my daily life. Too often we are taught to put out our own fires. We aren’t supposed to want certain things or be unhappy when life is going at least moderately well.

When you have an experience that ignites you, though, it fills your veins with passion. It makes you feel like that’s exactly how life should be.

And why can’t it be that way? Why do we have to be so scared to try the things we really want to do? Why do people stay at jobs they hate and dread waking up each day of the week? Why do we hide our talents and dreams from others?

A lot of the conversation yesterday afternoon centered around a wedding. Two of my closest friends recently got engaged and their excitement quickly overtook the rest of us. For an entire week, the betrothed couple had no idea what they wanted for their wedding. Then within a day, we were able to plan a good portion of it. I think once they finally let themselves admit that they wanted nothing to do with a “traditional” wedding, they had the freedom to express their deepest desires.

Fire cannot be caged. It does not bow and bend to meet the wishes of others. It lives and breathes exactly as it wants to. It swallows up anything in its path and even when it’s put out, it simply changes form and evaporates into the atmosphere.

Fire is beauty. It is raw and dangerous and an absolute life force. It is also a role model for those who want to escape the confines of an average life.

Taking the Self Out of Sabotage

I actually got my butt out of bed at 5:30 this morning and took my dog to the river for a walk/run. We traveled four miles total, but most of it was walking. The few bouts of jogging (definitely not running) had me coughing and trying to catch my breath.

Just a few days ago, we went along the same pathway and jogged most of a 5K. Why was it almost impossible for me to repeat that performance today? Well, much like Oprah, I love bread. But bread does not love me.

I discovered recently that wheat goes straight to my sinuses and causes unnecessary congestion. If I don’t eat it, I hardly ever even have a runny nose. If I eat it a few times in a week, I get a few sniffles, but I can usually bounce back just fine. If I pass the point of no return, however, I get headaches, major post-nasal drip, and lots of phlegm.

Long story long, I ate too much bread this week and basically couldn’t breathe when I tried to run today.

I’ve been thinking a lot about self-sabotaging lately and the reason behind it. I’m aware I’m not alone in doing things I know aren’t good for me. Sure, sometimes the motivation is simply that it is much easier to eat a piece of bread than to try to find some gluten-free alternative. But sometimes I think I practice destructive behavior because I feel like that’s what I deserve.

If I’m having a day where I feel sorry for myself, I crave unhealthy food. Since my self-esteem is already on the low side, it’s almost like I’m proving myself right by eating things I shouldn’t.

Eating something filled with delicious wheat or dairy (which I can’t really have either) is not the only way I self-sabotage. Sometimes I won’t work out even though I have time to or I decide to watch three more episodes of a show instead of take my dog for a walk.

The thing is, when I actually do these things, I feel so amazing. And I’m way less likely to have those feel-sorry-for-myself thoughts. I don’t even really know where the self-sabotage cycle starts, I just know that it is vicious when it does.

I don’t think simple awareness is enough to stop the sabotage steam engine, but I do think it’s a start.

It is probably a good idea to avoid beating myself up any time I eat wheat, or skip a workout, or watch more Netflix, though, or I might jump into a sabotaging cycle that is even harder to escape.

Moments

It’s funny the things that stick with you in your mind. I was just walking past a guy who shuffled his flip-flops loudly along the ground as he moved and I thought, “Pick up your feet!”

As soon as the thought crossed my mind, I was transported back to the hallway of my elementary school where, while walking in a line with my class, an older teacher yelled the same thing at me. I have no idea how old I was, or who the teacher was, but it’s a moment that has caused déjà vu a few times in my life.

And I’ve definitely picked up my feet as I walk since then.

There are other things, other moments, that I want desperately to remember in such detail. What did it smell like when I walked into my flat in Glasgow each day? What did it feel like to walk in the sunshine along Newbury Street in Boston before class? What did I think about when I walked to and from class in both of these places? When was the first moment I realized there was a spark between my ex and I?

It’s not that I can’t remember what these things feel like, but it’s not the same sensory memory that I have associated with this weird “pick up your feet” moment. Why did my sub-conscious hold onto that one so tightly?

Memory has always fascinated me and lately I’ve been thinking about it in relation to how the past affects my current life.

One day my friend Amy and I were at the mall and we ran into someone we used to consider a dear friend. Both Amy and I had fallings out with this person, neither of which were amicable. All three of us pretended to be cordial during the surprise meeting, but it was obvious how uncomfortable this girl was. I have never experienced someone who wanted to see me so little—to the point that it was almost comical. In a weird way, this awkward reunion almost erased the rest of the history I had with this girl and we became strangers who didn’t like each other.

Later that same night I went out with another friend from my past. She and I don’t get to see each other very often, but any time we do it is like we always hang out. I had more fun that evening than I’d had in a long time. Even with all the gaps in our hangout history, we still had inside jokes and made a lot of new ones that night. I fit in with her friends, many of whom I just met. It just felt natural and right.

The juxtaposition of those two reunions interests me so much and I keep thinking about how the past constantly presents itself in different ways. The present does not always make room for it, though, just like it hadn’t that afternoon in the mall. Is this because that while we’re always changing and growing, there are parts of ourselves that stay the same? And we can still recognize others who have stayed the same in similar ways?

Do we have any control over these moments that we remember in such vivid detail? If I live more in the present, can I recall the tiniest details of this moment? The sound of music in my headphones, the feel of my feet swinging from the bar stool on which I’m perched, the looks on the faces of the other people in this coffee shop? Or am I dependent on my sub-conscious to fill in the details of moments it wants to remember?

I don’t have answers to these questions, but I do know (and have said before) that I want to try to live more in the present. Moments from the past will always pop up, but I do believe there is a way to marry them with the present—I just haven’t figured out exactly how to do that.

Yet.

Getting Past the Past

It’s easy to find motivational posters and speakers who advocate living in the moment. To stop living in the past and worrying about the future and just focus on the now.

While I definitely agree that this is important, I also know that it isn’t as easy as just deciding that you are going to live in the moment. It does change your thinking to a certain extent, of course, but sometimes things from the past are so deeply seated that they affect your present.

That doesn’t mean that we should all dwell in the past, though. More that we need to honor our emotions and actually feel these things so we can say goodbye to them for good. So they don’t continue to follow us in the shadows as we try to move forward. So our present is no longer negatively affected by the past.

I’m not saying this because I’ve seen the light and I’ve completely shed the weight of past incidents. As recently as last week I had an emotional breakdown because of past emotions. Those feelings of despair stayed with me for almost two weeks. Then yesterday it seemed like the universe closed a couple of loose ends for me; one with a past relationship and another with a past job.

If I hadn’t had the breakdown last week and let myself feel those negative emotions, this ending might only be temporary in the story of my life. These incidents that hurt me in the past might surface again when I start to feel bad about myself in regards to relationships or unsure of myself when it comes to my career.

Now that I allowed myself to feel those emotions, though, I am confident that they will not surface unexpectedly from a random catalyst in the future. It was hard to feel them in the moment—crying on the floor of my house for a few hours hard—but I feel freer now that they’re gone.

You don’t want your past to define you, but it does shape you. You don’t want to completely ignore your feelings, but you also don’t want to feel them forever. Find a way to feel your emotions about the past, to honor them, and to let them go with love. Once you do that, you will be much more open to bigger and better things in the present and a more exciting future.

The present moment will eventually become the past so you want to make it count.

On Positivity

I wish I could say I’ve been a forward-thinking, positive person throughout my entire life, but it’s not true. There have been far too many times in which I’ve let doubt drive me—even though I truly believe that things tend to work themselves out in the end. It usually happens right before a major transition when I think too much about all of the “what if’s” and don’t let myself just have faith that everything will be okay.

On the other hand, I have always been positive for the people in my life. I tend to seek out relationships with other people who do look on the bright side. I think these relationships help me return to a place of positivity if I am starting to let fear and doubt color my thinking.

Lately I have really started to pay attention to intention. Why do people do the things they do? What is their motivation for their actions? Paying more attention to this has shown me that positivity is not always reciprocated as much as I think it is.

There are some people in your life who you think are positive, bright, shining forces, but then you realize that you are actually the one providing them with positivity. When the time comes to take the positivity torch, they do not always complete the pass.

If negativity does creep into my thoughts, I usually need a day or two of feeling sorry for myself and then I can typically pull out of it and return to my regularly scheduled (fairly) positive thinking. There are occasions, though, when I need a little bit of help from the people in my life.

Most of those people always go above and beyond and I am extremely lucky and grateful to have them. Even if they say things I’m not necessarily ready to hear, their words stay with me and I digest them when I’m in a better headspace. Lately, though, I’ve noticed that certain people have a tendency to disappear in situations like that. We might talk multiple times a week if things are normal—more if they are going through any kind of crisis. But the second I need the reciprocation, it goes radio silent.

And you know what? That’s okay. Because it made me realize something—we all need to be our own positive.

There will be plenty of times when it is easier to be negative, but positivity really does help to improve the way we handle things and it provides the spark to keep moving towards the best versions of ourselves.

Be your own positive and it will attract even more positivity to you.

Changes

I’ve been thinking a lot about changes lately. I don’t know if you’ve heard, but there’s a solar eclipse today (just kidding—I’m sure it’s been taking over your Facebook newsfeed for the last few weeks).

Anyway, a lot of people talk about changes in relation to the eclipse and I was thinking about how the biggest changes in our lives start with the smallest steps. We aren’t always aware of the impact of these simple decisions, but they often send waves through our entire lives.

I know that a lot of people are scared of too much change and prefer things to stay the same. But as living, breathing beings, our worlds are constantly changing and trying to stay stagnant might be doing more harm than good.

Whether you are trying to make a huge life shift or you want to start making small changes to improve the way you feel each day, it is important to think about the positive that change can bring. Change is one of life’s constants and it can be amazing. Just be sure to remember:

The Little Things Count

One of the scariest elements of change is the idea that your whole life has to shift instantaneously. It actually doesn’t, though. If you want to eat healthier, for example, try to take baby steps toward your bigger goal.

I used to drink a lot of soda and I decided I didn’t want to do that anymore so I cut back to one a day. After that, I eventually stopped craving them at all and I’ve hardly had soda for the last fifteen years. If I tried to quit by going from 3-4 sodas a day to nothing, it probably would have taken me a lot longer to go through with it. Taking it slowly allowed me to make the change without actively realizing I was giving up soda. By the end, I accomplished my goal without feeling deprived.

Be Easy on Yourself

On the opposite side of the spectrum, when someone decides they want to make a change, they often expect everything to be different right away. Unfortunately, it doesn’t usually work that way.

I know I have been guilty of being hard on myself when I don’t wake up and see a totally different daily reality. In fact, my friends often have to remind me that I am working toward change.

I’ve knowingly dealt with my PCOS since 2009 and sometimes I still feel like I have such a huge mountain to climb when it comes to my hormones. But then I realize that I’m starting to see really positive changes and those changes are a direct result of all the small things I’ve been doing for the last eight years.

Once you plant the seeds, you might not see how they are working, but it is important to have faith that they are. And one day you’ll wake up and notice that you are living a better reality, you just weren’t instantly aware of it because it was a gradual shift.

It’s Okay to Want Change

Sometimes I feel like I’m ungrateful when I want new things for my life. But then I remind myself that just because I want new experiences, feelings, and situations, it does not mean that I don’t like the ones I’m currently living.

I know not everyone is like this, but I’m a person who really thrives on change (which might be why I’ve lived in six different cities in two countries and three states in the past ten years). If things don’t change frequently, I have a tendency to feel like I’m stuck and nothing is moving forward.

I’ve started to realize, though, that things are always changing. And when you take the time to check in with yourself and decide what you actually want out of your life, you are much more likely to get it.

Just remember to breathe, go easy on yourself, and appreciate the current moment before it morphs into a new one.

Trust

I can’t sleep on airplanes.

I can’t sleep in new places.

I can’t sleep when there is something on my mind.

I’ve always been jealous of people who can sleep anywhere. They emanate an inner peace that allows them to let go and shut down whenever they feel tired. Sleep for me is an exercise in trust. And it’s one of the few times that I see just how deep my trust issues run.

I can’t sleep on planes because most of the time I’m traveling by myself and I don’t want to completely surrender my control by giving in to the abyss.

I can’t sleep in new places because I do not yet feel comfortable in my surroundings.

I can’t sleep when there is something on my mind because I do not fully trust myself.

I didn’t realize that I didn’t trust myself until my friend and I had a conversation about the topic a few weeks ago. She pointed out how she thought her relationship issues were stemming from the fact that she didn’t really trust herself.

Initially I dismissed the idea. How could you not trust yourself? How could you function as a person without this innate certitude? But the more I thought about it, the more the idea started to make perfect sense to me.

Any time we doubt ourselves, it is because we do not trust our emotional and mental intelligence enough to make the right decision for our lives. Any time we feel anxious, we are reiterating that we do not trust ourselves or our intuition.

Since I became aware of the distrust I have within myself, I have tried to be more conscious of how I use it to sabotage my life. Whenever I feel uncomfortable, I take a second and do an internal check. Do I really feel uncomfortable or do I just not trust myself to navigate the situation correctly? Most of the time the answer is that I don’t trust myself—after I make the realization, I can usually change my attitude for the better.

Last week I visited a close friend in Georgia. He and I lifted weights in his home gym each day. I had better workouts than I’ve ever had in my life. Granted, my friend is a personal trainer and it is his job to motivate people, but I know that I did so well because his confidence inspired me to trust myself.

Once I started to trust myself, the weights moved so easily. I squatted 145 pounds with the same effort it used to take me to squat 110. I bench pressed 85 pounds instead of getting scared and giving up at 75 pounds. And my deadlift? Oh, man. Before that trip, my personal best was 155 pounds. Last week I managed to pick up the barbell with 205 pounds on it.

I’ve been thinking about writing this post for a few weeks, but I’m glad I waited until after my trip to Georgia to do it. I knew I needed to trust myself more, but I didn’t realize how much that simple act would instantly improve my mindset and allow me to do things I didn’t think I could do.

I have a feeling that the amount I trust myself will directly affect how well I do in life.

And, maybe, trusting myself more will also improve my sleep.

Why Rory in the Reboot of Gilmore Girls is Basically Me at This Moment

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There are few characters in television or movies to which I relate to as much as 32-year-old Rory Gilmore. It’s like we live the same life (except I wish I had dated Jess. Just sayin’).

Like Rory, my father has been absent for much of my life. I am a writer by trade, but am currently going through a bit of a transition in that area of my life. While I do know where all of my underwear is, most of my stuff is sitting in boxes in the storage closet at my mom’s house and I had to get rid of most of my furniture. I have lived in five different apartments or houses in three different cities and two different states since 2012. Although I have not been there in a while, there are quite a few stamps from the UK in my passport. And I’m back home but not “back.” And I’m still coming to terms with the loss of my grandfather.

Oh, and I am also bilingual in English and sarcasm.

It’s a hard thing when you see your life going in a certain direction and you suddenly get jerked in a completely different one. I think as humans, we too often let superficial things define us. Jobs, boyfriends, cars. And when one of those things is gone, it takes a minute to steady yourself and realize who you are without it.

Rory and I have our own struggles, but I feel like I’m in that moment sitting at a desk across from Jess (again, I wish) and spewing how lost and adrift I feel at this time in my life. How, at 32, I really saw things going differently for me. The moment *right before* Jess says “you should write a book” and suddenly Rory’s wheels start turning and she finally feels like she has some kind of purpose again. Something to work toward. I don’t know what that thing will be for me. Maybe it will be a book. Maybe it’ll be something I have not yet considered. But I’m excited to find it.

I think for much of our lives, other people have looked at Rory (yes, I realize she’s fictional) and I as the people who will succeed. We both did well in school. We both made all the “right” choices. But that does not mean we are automatically on our right paths.

Rory and I have to be kind enough to ourselves to realize that we have not failed everyone just because we are not yet at a current stage in our lives. Or that things aren’t going to turn out okay just because we aren’t there yet.

There’s still time.

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