I can’t sleep on airplanes.
I can’t sleep in new places.
I can’t sleep when there is something on my mind.
I’ve always been jealous of people who can sleep anywhere. They emanate an inner peace that allows them to let go and shut down whenever they feel tired. Sleep for me is an exercise in trust. And it’s one of the few times that I see just how deep my trust issues run.
I can’t sleep on planes because most of the time I’m traveling by myself and I don’t want to completely surrender my control by giving in to the abyss.
I can’t sleep in new places because I do not yet feel comfortable in my surroundings.
I can’t sleep when there is something on my mind because I do not fully trust myself.
I didn’t realize that I didn’t trust myself until my friend and I had a conversation about the topic a few weeks ago. She pointed out how she thought her relationship issues were stemming from the fact that she didn’t really trust herself.
Initially I dismissed the idea. How could you not trust yourself? How could you function as a person without this innate certitude? But the more I thought about it, the more the idea started to make perfect sense to me.
Any time we doubt ourselves, it is because we do not trust our emotional and mental intelligence enough to make the right decision for our lives. Any time we feel anxious, we are reiterating that we do not trust ourselves or our intuition.
Since I became aware of the distrust I have within myself, I have tried to be more conscious of how I use it to sabotage my life. Whenever I feel uncomfortable, I take a second and do an internal check. Do I really feel uncomfortable or do I just not trust myself to navigate the situation correctly? Most of the time the answer is that I don’t trust myself—after I make the realization, I can usually change my attitude for the better.
Last week I visited a close friend in Georgia. He and I lifted weights in his home gym each day. I had better workouts than I’ve ever had in my life. Granted, my friend is a personal trainer and it is his job to motivate people, but I know that I did so well because his confidence inspired me to trust myself.
Once I started to trust myself, the weights moved so easily. I squatted 145 pounds with the same effort it used to take me to squat 110. I bench pressed 85 pounds instead of getting scared and giving up at 75 pounds. And my deadlift? Oh, man. Before that trip, my personal best was 155 pounds. Last week I managed to pick up the barbell with 205 pounds on it.
I’ve been thinking about writing this post for a few weeks, but I’m glad I waited until after my trip to Georgia to do it. I knew I needed to trust myself more, but I didn’t realize how much that simple act would instantly improve my mindset and allow me to do things I didn’t think I could do.
I have a feeling that the amount I trust myself will directly affect how well I do in life.
And, maybe, trusting myself more will also improve my sleep.
