“Stop using the word should!” My friend said as we sat talking on her couch. I had just gotten off work and my dislike for my job had me feeling defeated, deflated, and depleted. It was only my second week there, but I already found myself dreading the fact that I had to return.
“You can’t do things just because you feel like you should do them,” she said.
I stayed at her house for a few hours so we could have one of our long in-depth conversations that always made both of us feel better about life.
The “should” part of the conversation really stuck with me, though. I started thinking about how much that stupid word dictates my life.
Any time I feel bad about myself, it is because I start thinking about what I “should” be doing. But what scale am I using to measure this? Whose standards am I using to judge myself?
The truth of the matter is that I use that word too. Damn. Much. I constantly have internal battles with myself because I feel like I’m not measuring up in some area of my life.
I should look a certain way. I should be at a certain place in my life. I should be making a certain amount of money. I should be married with kids at my age.
There’s definitely a small part of me that rebels against this word—otherwise I probably would be settled down with a house and kids. I am 32, after all.
But the rebellious side of me somehow managed to overtake these toxic thoughts. That’s how I was able to go to Italy with a friend after watching Under the Tuscan Sun when I was 19. That’s how I took a trip to Israel at 23 without knowing anyone else in my group. That’s how I moved to Scotland by myself for a year and to Boston for two years after that.
I think my intuition helps me bypass the “should” speed bump in a lot of ways. But it also makes me question myself when I do not have an immediate answer. When I am really ready to do something, I feel like it’s right in my gut and I just do it (i.e. move across the world to a country I had never even visited).
When I am unsure of my next move, though, the “should” train comes blazing down the tracks. It’s almost like I start thinking about what I should have done throughout every phase of my life…even the times when I felt so sure about my decision. And let me tell you, questioning decisions you have already made is a good way to add more grey hairs to your head without accomplishing much else.
I’m not expecting this to change overnight, but now that I realize I spend so much time agonizing over what other people think, I can hopefully start to care more about what I think and live my life accordingly.
Because being a prisoner to the word “should” is no way to live. This stupid word has made me judge myself and my decisions for too long. It has also taken a lot of the joy out of my day-to-day experiences. But life is too short and I am too tired of second-guessing myself to keep feeling down when I can just live the life I want to live and smile like I mean it.
